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Christmas Isn't Supposed to Suck
Author's Notes: Well, Mel posted her post-HN fic so I'm posting mine. Altho, this should be the called "The story of confused betas!"
Many thanx to Jeanine and Mags, first, for finally agreeing on a version of the English language. <runs> More thanx to Mel, whose mind just couldn't rest without knowing the details. (I can't say anymore coz it will spoil the story.) Just know that these three caused me great amusement with this story. :-D
Also, to whomever will be marking my Databases exam after 11am tomorrow. It's 22:21 now and I haven't actually started revising yet, so if you'd like to just accept everything that I write as the correct answer, I'd be very grateful. ;)
Yeah, I think I'm done bringing the ramble.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm stealing them for my own nefarious purposes! < g>
Feedback: Yes please! Address is at the bottom!
"Donna. Hi. Look, I... I know you're not home... now... tonight... I didn't want to disturb you, I just... I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. And... I hope you have a good time this year. Okay..."
"I... I've been thinking a lot, tonight, about the people who are important to me. I want you to know... I just want you to know that you're important to me. You're an important person in my life. I just wanted you to know that. Okay... Okay, bye."
Maybe it's just me. I'm pretty sure Christmas isn't supposed to suck, even for people who don't celebrate it. Sure, sometimes it sucks, but three? In-a-row?
Okay, I'm not saying this year is a complete blow out. After all, it's 6pm on Christmas Eve and Leo and I finally got the roof on the Church of the Nativity fixed.
6pm on Christmas Eve and I have no desire to go home. Leo just left here ordering me to leave but I think I'd rather sleep on Toby's couch. Or CJ's. Neither of them would even know - there's no one left here to tell. Toby's hopefully making up with his Dad, CJ's gone home to see her Dad, Sam's in California, Will... well, I don't really know him well enough to spend Christmas with him anyway, Charlie's with Deanna, Leo's heading to Jordan's, and Donna...
Donna's having a romantic break away with Lieutenant Commander Jack Reese.
Who I helped set her up with.
Yeah, good one there, Lyman!
At least last year, Donna was here. Last year, when Leo needed me and I couldn't help him - couldn't even get a guy out of a room - Donna was here to, I dunno, make everything better. She didn't know what was going on and she didn't know what was bothering me, but she just did what she does and kept me out of a funk.
Why did I have to be ensorcelled by Amy this time last year?
Actually, I know the answer to that one. Well, sort of.
The thing is, I never really believed I could lose Donna before. No matter what was going on, or who Donna was dating, I never, for one moment, believed that Donna would find a guy she could marry; the kind of guy she would marry. The kind of guy who might just be good enough for her to marry. To her, anyway.
To me, that guy doesn't exist. No one's good enough to marry Donnatella Moss. There is no one within two leagues of her.
You have to understand that it wasn't a conscious thought. It was more like this feeling of safety buried deep inside, glaringly obvious now only because of its absence.
Wow. That sounded almost poetic. See? See what this woman does to me?
And yes, it has taken me five years to work it out.
No, okay, it took me about a year to work out that she... affects me. It took another four years for her to drive me crazy.
-er. She would say "crazier".
Takes one to know one is what I say.
So, now that she's driven me crazier, of course the next step had to be realising why, right?
Well, consider it realised. I now know why. What's next?
You want to know why, don't you?
Well, I..., y'see, Donna and I... we... I...
I never did really answer that question about Amy.
Well, Amy's a very beautiful and intelligent woman. Also scary. And a little annoying. But at first, she was beautiful and intelligent and I got ensorcelled; bewitched, even. And Donna... well, even though she didn't know, or at least she didn't know to what extent (actually, I don't think I even knew the extent at the time), her thing with Cliff Calley hurt me.
I didn't like the fact that Donna could hurt me so easily. It was a humbling realisation and everyone knows I'm not a great fan of being humble. If I'm really honest, the main reason I went after Amy so single-mindedly was to prove to myself that Donna didn't really have that much of a hold over me.
I was wrong (yes, I admit that, too). I dated Amy for around five months. She annoyed me, pissed me off by going behind my back, frustrated me beyond belief and fought me any way she could; but even through all of that, she never really hurt me. Disappointed me, yes. Knowing that your girlfriend doesn't support you in important aspects of your life can be a little disappointing. Donna supported me; why couldn't Amy?
And that's what happened: I ended up comparing Amy, unfavourably, to Donna so much I think I ended up thinking more about Donna than I did when I wasn't seeing Amy.
Yeah, I didn't sleep much last night.
Anyway, in retrospect, I shouldn't have been so angry with Donna over her thing with Cliff. At the end of the day, my relationship with Amy caused us about three times as much trouble as her and Cliff's.
So, that was the abridged version of 'Josh and Amy, Donna and Cliff'.
Now we're into 'Josh without Donna, Donna and Jack'.
Jack, who got them a room at the Washington Inn over Christmas; Jack, who didn't "want to get in between anything"; Jack, who could very well be Donna's "one".
Donna leaving without saying goodbye. She's never done that before. Just further evidence of Jack being the "one".
That hurt too. I'm man enough to admit that yesterday, Donna leaving without so much as a "Merry Christmas", "Goodnight, Josh" or even "Bye", *hurt*. Again, she wasn't to know that. Hell, I didn't even know how much that would hurt until Leo told me she'd gone.
I think that was when I realised the status quo wasn't working anymore. I knew then that I would be lying if I ever again told myself that I didn't have non-boss-assistant feelings for Donnatella Moss.
(I know. Give me time. I'm working up to the naming-my-feelings thing.)
That's probably what led to the phone call too, 'cause I couldn't just leave well alone - that would be a *good* idea. No, this way, I get to leave great big hints as to what I now know, that she probably won't get until after she's spent a wonderful Christmas away, with *Jack*.
Damnit, I wish I hadn't made that phone call. I'm blaming the holidays. All that singing and cheer; it's not good for emotional detachment.
Donna deserves to be happy. That's why I helped set her up with Jack in the first place. It was something she really wanted me to do. And then she really wanted me to fix what I did... See, I don't understand that. Those stories were endearing. Those stories *would* make me like her; did make me like her, I guess. And I don't think Donna's crazy. Well, okay, I do, but I don't think it's a bad thing. It's part of who Donna is, and I wouldn't want her any other way. To me, she's... perfect.
...
Maybe I could get into her apartment and remove the tape from the answering machine or something...
Okay, that's it. I'm going home. I obviously need sleep.
I hoist myself slowly out of my chair, grab my jacket off the back, switch off the desk lamp and head for the door, picking up my coat on the way out.
Something's not right. I didn't leave that lamp on yesterday, did I?
There's someone here.
"Merry Christmas, Josh."
Oh. My God.
I cannot stop this grin from breaking out all over my face.
"What are you doing here?!" I watch her walk out of the darkness by the window and into the lamp light.
She looks... amazing.
"I have a key, Josh." She does?
Yes, of course she does. I know that.
"No, I mean, shouldn't you be at the Washington Inn now? Something didn't happen to the helicopter did it? You got there okay?"
"I got there just fine. I'm back now."
"How did you get back here?" It's Christmas Eve and it's still snowy out. She didn't have her car there with her...
"Josh," she replies with that slightly exasperated tone.
"No, seriously, Leo had to get you a helicopter ride up there, but how did you...?" I mean, even if she wanted to come back, I haven't been able to think of how she would get here. And I've been thinking about it quite a bit.
"I got your message, Josh." Oh. Okay.
I have no idea what to say.
"Look, I brought beer." She holds up a bottle in each hand. I just study her face, trying to read what she's thinking, but it becomes clouded with uncertainty before I can find any answers. "You want me to go?"
"No! No, I'm just surprised. I mean, you're supposed to be at the Washington Inn with Jack." Okay, I may be having a hard time believing she's really here.
"And I *was* at the Washington Inn with Jack. Now I'm in your apartment with you." She can't mean that the way it sounds.
"But..."
"Joshua, I went to the Inn, I met up with Jack, I checked my messages,
I left the Inn!" Okay, that's three different ways she's stated the
blatantly obvious fact that she's not at the Inn anymore. Pull it together,
Josh!
She walks over to my sofa and sits down, curling her feet under her
in that way only women can and placing a beer on the table. She opens
the other one and takes a swig as I cross the room and sit down on
the other end of the sofa. I keep my head down but I can see her in
my peripheral vision. She's not looking my way either.
"Jack drove me back. He said it was the least he could do."
The least he could do?
"Did he do something?" What did he do? "Did he..."
"He told me what he thought when you started talking to him about me. He said he'd told you that he didn't want to get in between anything."
"I told him he wouldn't. I made it absolutely clear. I even offered to double date with his assistant, although I don't think Harry would have been my type." She smiles, finally. Pity it doesn't last longer. Despite her calm exterior, I know she's tense, and I think it's because she's got the wrong idea. "Donna, I didn't give Jack any reason to think something was going on between us. You've got to believe me."
"I do, Josh." Oh.
"Then, what's the problem?" She takes another swig of her beer then holds it out to me. I reach out to take it but she doesn't let go. She looks me straight in the eyes.
"I think he may be getting in between something."
The silence is deafening. I don't think the atmosphere's ever been this tense between us. We keep looking at each other, waiting for the other to do something or say something, the beer suspended between us. Then she looks away, letting go of the bottle, and I suddenly feel bereft. I take a couple of quick sips.
"Why did you leave that message?" And I take a couple more. I place the empty bottle down on the table as I speak.
"Donna, I wished you a Merry Christmas. It wasn't a special message. I didn't see you before you left so I called to leave a message."
It was a special message, and I think we both know that.
"Why didn't you call my cell?"
"I didn't want to disturb you." I look at the coffee table.
"Since when?" Since I started thinking about what I might be disturbing.
"Donna."
"Josh, this is it. Either we tell the truth now or we forget it and move on, 'cause I am so tired of this endless cycle of banter and moments and failed relationships because they're not with you." I lift my head and turn it towards her to find her staring intently in my direction. I recognise that look. It's the same one she used when she brought the smackdown on me and Toby in that hotel bar somewhere between here and Indiana.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat.
I try again.
There's one thing that's scaring me more than anything right now and I have to get it out there, because it's the only thing I can think about.
"I don't want to lose you," I squeeze out hoarsely. She shifts towards me and reaches her hand out to mine. I wrap my hand around hers and hold on as if she's my lifeline.
'Cause really, she is.
I stare at our joined hands, bringing my free one up so I can trace the veins on the back of her hand slowly with my fingertips. She lets me do that for a while and then breaks the silence with something totally unexpected.
"Do you remember the first Christmas we spent together?" The first, the last, and every one in between, but I make it look like I'm thinking about it for a minute.
"It was just after we won the White House. You were meant to go home, but you didn't."
"No, I didn't. My flight got cancelled."
"I phoned your parents and apologised for making you book the latest flight possible."
"Yes. It was the first Christmas I spent away from my family." I look at her.
"I didn't know that."
"I know. I thought it was going to be a big deal, but it wasn't. You never gave me enough time to miss being in Wisconsin. It was my first Christmas away from home but I remember thinking that I didn't want to be anywhere else. You don't even celebrate Christmas, Josh, and yet you got a little plastic tree, a set of fairy lights, some turkey TV dinners... and there was nowhere I'd rather have been than with you."
"I knew that would probably be the last chance you'd have to get home for Christmas for a while and when that flight got cancelled, I..." I trail off and wave my hand dismissively. I know there are things that are beyond my control, but I don't have to like it.
"You went on a guilt trip and tried to make it up to me, even though you had nothing to make up for."
"Donna, I was the reason you weren't at home for Christmas for the first time ever."
"Yes, you were. But I didn't mind and you didn't even know it was my first Christmas away until two minutes ago so don't suddenly start using that."
"But still..."
"Josh, shut up. Honestly, you'd blame yourself if the world stopped turning." She shifts, turning so her whole body is facing me, bending her leg in the space between us and pulling her hand from mine so she can rest it in her lap. "I had a great time that Christmas," she says quietly, and I know she means it. I move and mirror her position so I can see her, resting my right arm along the back of the sofa.
"Okay."
We share a comfortable silence, lost in our own thoughts, for a few minutes. I'm still wondering why she's back here and I'm about to ask her when she picks up my hand from the sofa-back. She brings it back down to her lap and turns it over in her hands, revealing the scars on my palm. She traces them with her fingertips much like I traced her veins earlier.
"I was so worried," she whispers towards her lap. She lifts her face then, and our eyes lock. "Two years ago you were hurting, and I didn't know what to do." Her gaze shifts back and for between my hand and my face as she continues explaining her side of what happened that Christmas. "For weeks, I watched as you got more tired, more frustrated. You would get angry easily and things that never bothered you before would make you yell. I tried to make sure everything was how you needed it to be, but it wasn't enough. I was watching you slip away from us and I couldn't stop it. In the end, I had to go to Leo." She locks her eyes on mine again. "I had to go to Leo, Josh." Thank God she did.
"I know. It was the best thing to do, Donna. It was the right thing to do. I'm sorry..."
"No!" She clasps my scarred hand in both of hers. "You don't get to apologise for this, Josh. You survived an attempted murder and this was part of the price you paid." She's on the edge and I know we've gotten way more serious than I like on Christmas Eve. Or any day, really.
"Well, actually, I was gonna apologise for getting you that old book the year before. But honestly Donna, did you really think I would get you skis?" She looks at me, surprised by the sudden mood shift I think. I just smile until she finally starts laughing, and then I join her. "Have you even had the chance to go skiing since then?" Still with the laughing.
"No. Not really," she gets out between laughs. "But I wanted the option." I smile at her, thinking only she would want hundreds of dollars worth of equipment on the off-chance that she might use it some day.
"What did you do with that book anyway?" She's probably stored it in a box or on some shelf somewhere.
I'm confused when Donna raises my hand to her lips so she can place a gentle kiss on my knuckles before releasing it. Suddenly, she turns around and grabs her purse from behind her, reaching inside and pulling something out. She puts her purse back and turns around to hand me the item.
I run my fingers across the cover as I read the words. The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing. It looks exactly the same as the day I gave it to her. I raise my head to give her a puzzled look.
"I keep it on the shelf of my bedside table. It's usually the last thing I see before I fall asleep, and the first thing I see when I wake up. Sometimes I read the note inside." I open the book gently to where I've written in it, although I remember every word. "It's... I feel like I have a part of you with me, in this book."
Hindsight is an amazing thing. Reading this message, it's unbelievably obvious that Donna means a lot more to me than just my assistant, even though this was written three years ago. I look up again slowly as she starts talking.
"I thought there was a chance we were going somewhere after that, but I was content to just let it happen on its own."
"But it didn't." I'm an idiot.
"It did, Josh." Huh?
She removes the book from my hands and lays it on the coffee table as I watch her, once again confused. She takes both of my hands in hers and rests them on our legs between us.
"In your message, you told me that I am an important person in your life. It made me think about the past four Christmases and I realised that I wanted to be here with you again this year. Christmas is meant to be spent with the important people in your life, Josh, and there's no one more important to me than you."
She bites her bottom lip and I can tell she's a little uncertain about what she's just put out there.
I lean back a little, settling into the corner of the couch, and pull lightly on Donna's hands.
"Come here," I whisper. I guide her head to my shoulder and wrap my arms around her waist as she settles into my side, half-lying on top of me. "Okay?"
"Yeah." I can hear the smile in her voice and I smile too.
We lie like that for what could easily be hours, enjoying each other's company in silence. It must be the quietest we've ever been, but it's no less comfortable than when we're bantering across the bullpen. Her hand moves on my chest in time with my hand on her shoulder blade, proof that even like this we share a rhythm.
The silence is finally broken by someone outside yelling "Merry Christmas DC!" I look at over at my watch and find that it's midnight. Christmas Day.
"Merry Christmas, Donnatella," I say, quietly. She pushes up off of me a little so she can see my face.
"Merry Christmas, Joshua," she replies. She looks at me as I lose myself in her eyes, before finally saying, "I should go". I bring one of my hands to her face and push her hair back on one side. I raise my head and finally, finally, kiss her. It's a kiss of promise, of a future together. A hint of what's to come.
"Stay here tonight."
She nods and settles back on top of me, replacing her head on my shoulder. I reach up and grab the blanket my mom ordered me to hang over the back of the sofa, covering us both. Donna sighs as my arms wrap around her again. She falls asleep a few minutes later.
That feeling of safety, deep down inside me, is back in full force as I press a kiss to her forehead and follow her to sleep, thinking about how my last three Christmases haven't really sucked, but instead have led me to where I've always wanted to be.
With Donna.
~~~
End
~~~
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