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Quicksand
Who We Are: Part 6
Warnings: ** NC17 ** Please read responsibly!
Author's Notes: Last part in the WWA series - so it'll probably make more sense if you read the other parts first (although maybe not that much more!) Thanks to the people who've sent me feedback so far.
The quote in this part is from the film The Replacements, uttered by Shane Falcon, who's played by Keanu Reeves.
Many thanx to Mel, Mags and Jeanine for reading this over first!
Disclaimer: I do not earn any money from this, I don't have any money, and in fact, writing fic is probably costing me money since I'm not doing my uni coursework and hence may not pass my degree (just kidding, parents! Although, not so much, now.) All praise Aaron Sorkin! The Replacements ain't mine either!
Feedback: Some people need drink, some people need cigarettes, some people need both. I need feedback! And Josh, but what can ya do, eh?
I'm lying in bed, thinking about the past.
This is nothing new - I've done this almost every night for the last year. Ever since that night.
We're sitting on a bench in an awkward silence, waiting for Cliff Calley to finish reading Donna's personal thoughts.
Things had been better between us after the night she told me about Cliff; the night we talked about Manchester.
The news about Cliff almost killed me. Really, it did. I didn't know whether to yell and scream or hide and cry, so instead I focussed on the political problem, and saved the personal until I got to my office.
I stood there, looking out of the window but not seeing much. All I could think about was how I'd screwed up. I'd fallen for my assistant, and as if that wasn't enough, she didn't feel the same way. Even if she did…, we did…, yeah. I guess it was a pity fuck after all, I decided.
Then she stormed into my office and proceeded to tell me how that was crap.
Which left us in the rather… well, extremely frustrating position of wanting to be together but not being able to. Yet.
I tried to explain the "yet" bit before she walked out of the office, in my own way. I think she got it. She'd paused at the door, her back to me, and I somehow ended up behind her, leaning my forearms on the door either side of her head. I remember thinking that was the last time I could be that close to her - the whole front of my body leaning against the back of hers. I dropped a kiss on her temple and then backed away, letting her open the door and leave.
I've been regretting that ever since.
"He's reading about us." Donna startles me out of my thoughts.
"Sorry, what did you say?" I move a little closer to her. It's freezing out here and I want to put my arm around Donna to keep us warm, but my arm along the back of the bench behind her is the closest I've dared to get.
"I never told you why I lied about the diary. It's because it's got us in there. Rosslyn, Christmas, the night we worked on the Correspondent's Dinner speech, the night you told me about Mrs Landingham… " she pauses in the middle of listing the key points in our personal relationship, before almost whispering, "Manchester… Even the night I told you about him, and hundreds of other moments and thoughts about us. It's all in there."
"Hundreds, huh?" I get an aborted laugh out of Donna for that one. I thought it would be something like that. I'm just really hoping that Cliff's a decent guy.
Donna suddenly leans forward and her shoulders shake.
"Donna?" I run my hand over her back and lean forward to try to see her face. Instead, I see tears fall to the floor. "Hey, it's okay. It's gonna be okay, Donna."
"It's not, Josh. We stopped. We made the decision not to get involved so there wouldn't be a scandal. And now I've handed them the scandal on a fucking platter!" Donna doesn't swear often, so when she does, you know things are pretty bad. I pull her towards me and rest my chin on top of her head, my hand running up and down her arm now.
I'm just about to say something to try to comfort her again, when she suddenly pulls away from me. I look at her questioningly, but she just nods at something over my shoulder. I turn around and find Calley standing on the other side of the fountain again. I rub my hand across her back once more as I get up to walk over to him.
As soon as I get there, he holds out the diary.
"I didn't find anything relevant to the investigation of the President." His tone suggests he did find something relevant to something else.
"Good. So that's the end of this, then." It's not a question. He nods.
"Can I speak to Donna for a minute?" Uh uh. No way.
"I'd rather you didn't. I'll pass on a message, if you want."
"I actually had a question. Maybe you can answer it. I just want to know, why did Donna agree to the blind date?" I'm not telling him the real reason. I try to look confused and it must work because Calley continues. "You and her… are together. You're having an affair."
"We're not." He seems to consider my statement. Come on, Calley, be a good guy!
"No." We stare at each other for a few seconds and then I nod. I turn around and start walking away when he speaks again. "But you should be." Damnit! I turn back, and even though I know it's a bad idea, I can't keep the contempt out of my voice.
"I'm sure all your friends in the Republican Party would love the opportunity to spin that in the press. 'White House Deputy Chief of Staff in sex scandal with secretary'." He doesn't miss a beat.
"I'd do everything I could to prevent that. She… " He pauses, stopping himself from saying what he was going to say. "Look after her, Josh. Don't hurt her." There's a hint of warning in his last sentence and I suddenly realise that he really likes Donna, and cares for her. My opinion of him has just improved ten-fold.
"I won't." I mean it with every fibre of my being. I never want to hurt Donna, ever. This time I offer my hand. He looks a little surprised, but doesn't refuse. We shake and then I turn and walk towards Donna.
She's standing by the bench, watching us intently. As soon as I reach her, I hand her back the diary.
"He didn't find anything. It's over." She lets out a relieved breath - the hitches being the only evidence left of her earlier tears. I pull her into a short hug but when we pull apart, I can see her looking behind me again. I turn to look in the same direction and see Cliff watching us. I turn back to Donna, place my hand on her back and guide her in the other direction. Another glance back at Cliff tells me he's still watching us.
We head back to my apartment - a couple of blocks away - and I just lead Donna upstairs. There's no way I'm taking her home whilst she's still upset. I make us some coffee and we sit on my couch, the muted TV showing CNN.
We sit there for ages - her just watching the TV, me just watching her. I remember telling her a while back that I'd figure this out, but I never did. The President announcing his illness changed everything. Before that, I thought re-election would be… well, it would have been hard, sure, but it was likely that we'd be back. Now, it's going to be uphill all the way.
Before, Donna and I may have had a chance. Now we've already got our one colossal scandal that every President's administration might be able to survive.
Donna sighs and rests her head on my shoulder, causing my arm to automatically wrap around her. She sighs again.
"I'm sorry, Josh." What for?
"What for?"
"For putting you in that position. If anybody else finds out about tonight, or if Cliff talks…"
"He won't talk." I don't know why I'm so certain of that. It's something to do with what he said at the fountain. He won't tell anyone what he read in that diary, I just know he won't.
"How do you know? We could be torturing each other for no reason - this may all be out in the open in a few days, and then at least one of us will be out of a job." I tighten my arm around her.
"He won't talk," I whisper. I feel her shiver.
"I don't know if I can do this, Josh." Even though she's only whispering too, I can hear the sadness in her voice. It worries me.
"Do what?"
"Keep working for you." I tense beneath her and she knows it. This is it. I'm losing her. Thankfully, she carries on quickly. "I can't see you every day, work with you 75 hours a week and not be able to hold you, kiss you, go home with you at night and wake up with you in the morning. It's killing me." And now it's showing too. Donna doesn't do this. When she meets a challenge, she takes it on and she doesn't give up.
Now she sounds as if she's giving up.
I don't know what to do. She's not alone; I'm not exactly dealing that well either. I guess I should tell her that. It's the least I can do.
"It's killing me, too." I hope she can hear the sincerity in my voice. I'm startled a little when she suddenly sits up so she can look right at me. I'm totally startled when she leans forward and kisses me, but not for long. I wrap my arms around her and lean back until I'm lying down with her sprawled on top of me, kissing like it's going out of fashion. Finally, she pulls back, both of us gasping for breath. Just totally living in the moment.
"Josh?" No. No, no, no. We're not stopping this again. I think I've shown amazing restraint over the last three and a half years (we're not including Manchester here) but now I'm all restraint-ed out. This is it.
"No, Donna. You know what? I really don't want to hear it." I slide my hand into her hair and guide her back to me, pre-empting any protest. When we break again, I frame her face in my hands, look her straight in the eyes and blurt out, as soon as I possibly can, "bottom line: I'm in love with you."
I have never said that as easily nor meant it as much as I did just then.
Donna just gasps and pushes up on her arms a little. My hands fight a losing battle against gravity's effect on her hair but it's just enough for me to be able to see the tears in her eyes and her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
"I'm in love with you too." She crushes her mouth against mine, her tongue attempting to locate my tonsils. We sit up, leaving her straddling my lap. I run my hands the length of her sides and down onto her legs whilst kissing my way down her neck. She tips her head back to give me better access.
"Bed. I want you in my bed, so I can make love to you like I've always wanted to." She must agree. We manage to get up off the sofa, whilst still kissing, without falling over and I walk backwards, guiding us towards my bedroom as we strip each other gently, literally leaving a line of clothes as we go.
By the time we get to the bed, we're both in our underwear. She sits down and I lean over her so I don't lose contact with the shoulder I was happily kissing. My hand leaves her side to turn the lamp on beside the bed and then I straighten to look at her. She's… beautiful doesn't even begin to describe her. Breathtaking is a little closer.
She looks up at me and holds my gaze as she takes off her bra, throwing it across the room somewhere. Her eyes are challenging me, and I don't hesitate before taking the challenge. Leaning back over her, I place one hand on the bed for balance. I run the other one over her breast lightly as I kiss a trail from her temple, down her cheek and neck, and further, until I can circle her nipple with my tongue.
As soon as I do, Donna sighs and disappears.
I open my eyes (which had closed all on their own) in shock and find her lying flat on the bed, breathing heavily but smiling. I climb onto the bed with one knee and resume my previous activities, this time with Donna's fingers running through my hair. I switch breasts, loving the feel of her arching beneath me and thrusting her hips into the leg I've still got hanging off the end of the bed, between hers. I can feel her heat on my thigh through her underwear.
As my mouth moves back up to hers, I slide a hand down her abdomen and under her panties, dipping my finger into her wet heat. She moans and thrusts her hips up eagerly. I move lower, pushing a finger inside of her and the palm of my hand against her clit. When she starts grinding against my hand, I kiss my way quickly back down her body. I have to taste her, and this time she won't be stopping me.
Kneeling on the floor, I remove my hand, just so I can take off her last remaining piece of clothing, before re-entering her with two fingers and lowering my mouth to taste her. Intoxicating is the only way to describe how she tastes. It only takes a few swipes of my tongue on her clit before she's yelling my name, her muscles clenching around my fingers, her body shuddering repeatedly.
I move up to wrap my arms around her as she recovers, stroking my hands through her hair and down her back. Then suddenly she rolls us over so I'm on my back and she's straddling me.
"My turn," she says, grinning down at me. I just return the grin as she takes my hands, entwines our fingers and leans over me, pinning them above my head. The movement causes her breasts to rub against my chest, making us both moan just before she takes my mouth in a demanding kiss.
"Stay," she orders, pushing on my hands. I nod - whatever she says! - and then close my eyes to concentrate on her touch as I feel her kiss her way slowly down my body; nibbling my neck, running her tongue down my scar, nipping her way down my stomach until she reaches the waistband of my boxers. And then she goes further. Sliding onto the floor, she runs her tongue along my erection through the cloth and I can't help but thrust my hips up to meet her, my hands clenching the sheets above my head.
"Donna!"
Her hands, which she's been trailing down my arms and sides, finally reach my boxers and don't change speed as they take those shorts with them on their course down my legs. It's so distracting that it takes me a while to realise that Donna's said something.
"Scoot up a bit, Joshua." That voice is dangerous. I'd do anything for that voice. I move up until my hands reach the edge of the mattress, and then I grip the edge tightly as Donna goes down on me.
She licks the tip slightly before taking me all the way into her mouth. God, she's soooo good at this. I have to stop her before I come.
"Donna…" That's as far as I get, but she understands. She moves back up, and immediately places me at the entrance to her body before sliding down. We both mutter some encouraging phrases, and then I squeeze my eyes shut as she leans forward, stretching her hands out to meet mine - which somehow, although don't ask me how, I managed to keep where she told me to - again. She entwines our fingers like before and then sits up, bringing our hands into the air between us.
"Open your eyes, Josh." Again with the voice. Our eyes lock as she begins to circle her hips, slowly.
Donna is amazing. She keeps changing the speed and angle slightly, driving us both crazy. Finally she begins to really speed us up and I start chanting her name in time with our movements. Her nails dig into my hands as she approaches her orgasm and her eyes are almost black. I'm lost in those eyes, until she finally throws her head back.
"Josh!"
I feel her shudder around me and I manage to free one of my hands so I can wrap it around her and roll us over. I place our entwined hands above her head and clench the sheets with my free hand as I thrust into her deeply and quickly. I can feel her still shuddering around me, her free hand clutching at my back. It's not long until I release into her, her name tearing from my throat.
"Donnatella!"
When both of us can finally breathe again, I roll us onto our sides and pull Donna against me. She's almost asleep.
"I have to go," she says, sleepily.
"Stay here tonight."
"'kay."
I wish I could say that we woke up together the next day and decided to stay that way.
We didn't.
Instead, we woke up together and decided I had to speak to CJ before we did anything else. I got ready for work and then I dropped Donna off at her apartment so she could do the same. By the time Donna got to the office, I was speaking to CJ.
I asked her to walk me through a hypothetical situation, one that had a member of the White House staff in love with his/her assistant, and vice versa - yeah okay, from the look on CJ's face, she definitely knew who I was on about. The meeting was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be, since CJ said, rather forcefully, that it couldn't happen, not until we were out of the White House anyway. I practically ran out of her office, pushing past Toby on the way.
I couldn't go straight back to my office after that. I couldn't face seeing Donna; couldn't face telling her it would be the best part of six years before we could be together again.
So I headed down to the Mess and drank some coffee, which is where Donna found me an hour later. At least I didn't have to tell her - she only had to take a look at my face. She sat down across the table from me, waited a moment, and then whispered:
"I'll quit."
"You won't"
"I will"
"You can't"
"I can"
"You wouldn't"
"I would."
"Donna, please!" Half the room looked over at us then. We waited for everyone to go back to their business, so we could deal with ours.
"You don't want us to be together," she barely whispered. I grabbed her hand and made her look at me.
"I do! I don't want to lose you."
"You won't. I can get another job and we can be together when we're both out of the office."
"Donna, how much time do I actually spend out of the office now? Take an hour a day off that, at least, if I had an assistant that's not you and that leaves barely enough time to sleep. I would lose you." I waited as Donna digested that bit of information then watched as she nodded to herself and stood up.
"Come back to the office, Josh." I got up and followed her out of the Mess.
When we got to my office, she shut all of the doors and then stood in front of me.
"Six years." She wasn't asking. I nodded. She raised a hand and ran her fingers through my hair before leaning forward and kissing my lips softly. It was almost chaste. It was a goodbye.
I pulled her into a tight hug, wanting to never let her go.
"Are you leaving me?" She sighed in response.
"No, but we have to agree some things." She finally pulled away from me, stepping back so she could look straight at me. "We can't go six years without dating anyone. We'd end up frustrated and resenting each other. But we have to be considerate to each others feelings." I think I went into shock for a moment. Here was the woman I loved, the woman who loved me, telling me that I should see other people. The idea made me feel sick.
Donna was serious, though, so I agreed, without any intention of actually doing it.
I can't remember what happened after that. Something like we agreed to try to go back to the way things were and then she left the office.
That night I went home early. It was as if the office was suffocating me. I must have been on my fourth glass of scotch when something on the muted TV caught my eye - the trailer I'd seen a couple of weeks before. I found myself saying the words along with one part of it, and then realised why my mind wanted to remember it.
I was in quicksand!
You're gonna want me to explain that statement, aren't you?
The bit I remembered was this speech by the guy whose name I still don't know. It's a response to a question about fears - his being quicksand. But, y'know, not the conventional kind.
// You're playing, and you think everything is going fine…
See, I was living my life plan - working at the White House for the President of the United States, whom I helped get elected.
// …but then one thing goes wrong.
And then I got shot. Definitely wasn't part of the aforementioned life plan, and neither was falling for my assistant. I don't know - it might have started before then, but it was after Rosslyn that Donna became the constant in my life. I'd depended on her professionally since the day she walked into the campaign HQ in Nashua, but after Rosslyn, I had to depend on her personally too. And she never, ever let me down. That kind of security didn't help me keep things platonic, but I managed it.
// And then another.
Until I ended up in therapy. Again. I'd slammed my hand through a window, spent the day talking to Stanley the shrink, and then found out I had PTSD. And then I kissed Donna. That was quite a day; but I told myself it had happened and that was the end of it.
// And another.
And then I kissed her again. What was I supposed to do after her revelation? Somebody tell me how a guy is supposed to react when the woman he loves tells him she wouldn't stop for red lights if he was in an accident. I swear, if CJ had been in the west wing that night, we'd have had our conversation a lot sooner. But she wasn't, and I got distracted. The President had MS.
// And you try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink.
So I tried to back off, put some distance between us. But it didn't work. For all the space and distance I tried to put between us, it ended up bringing us together, in the most basic sense of the word. Twice. And as time went on, I just kept falling deeper and deeper in love with her.
// 'Til you can't move, can't breathe. 'Cause you're in over your head.
Did I tell you that the office was suffocating me that day? I had no choices and no fixes. My job and the fact that I'm head over heels in love with Donna had me trapped, and I couldn't see a way out.
// Like quicksand.
And that was my fear. I was trapped. I guess I could have quit my job, or try to get over Donna, but despite being drunk, I still knew that neither of them were options for me.
So, instead I faced it. I went to work everyday, knowing that I would see Donna, work with her, joke with her, ache to touch her... The suffocating-feeling never fully went away, but it did get easier, although some days it would be unbearable - usually on our various anniversaries. I think the only thing that stopped me from cracking up was the knowledge that one day Donna and I would be together, and God help anyone who said, implied, thought or attempted to prove otherwise. I was completely on edge.
Until tonight.
Tonight, President Bartlet won re-election. Tonight, we partied all night.
Tonight, I was told I could breathe again.
Damn CJ and Toby for not telling me sooner!
Thank God CJ and Toby figured it out!
It had happened so quickly. We were in the Mural Room watching the election results roll in. I don't think I'd ever been so torn. If we won, Donna and I had to wait four more years but the best man for the job stayed in the White House. If we lost, Donna and I didn't have to wait, but the White House would go to the Republicans, and that would be a disaster for the country.
The suffocating-feeling had come back in full force, until the moment the election was called - I don't think I'd breathed for the whole three-minute build up to Ritchie's concession speech. The room exploded; everyone yelled and hugged and laughed. Yes, even me, although I could still feel the emptiness inside whenever I thought of Donna. I was acutely aware of her in that room. We'd started out on opposite sides, but we made our way towards each other via hugs until we met in the middle of the room. We froze for a moment, just looking at each other, the smiles we were wearing fading slowly, and then I pulled her towards me in a hug.
I didn't want to let her go, but it was at that moment that someone started yelling my name. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw Toby, Sam and CJ beckoning me over. The President and Leo, who watched the election from the Manchester house, were on the phone waiting to speak to us in the Oval. I turned back to Donna, who's arms had fallen to her sides, and was ready to say something - I can't remember what now, but it was definitely something - when she told me to go. She had a huge smile on her face, but it didn't hide the hint of sadness in her eyes.
"Go!" she repeated, turning me around and pushing me towards the others. CJ, who'd been on her way towards us, no doubt to drag me away, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room, a last glance over my shoulder confirming that Donna was still watching me.
The President thanked us for our hard work, our loyalty and our friendship. Leo got in on the act too, but all in all it only lasted about five minutes. Thank God - any longer and it wouldn't have been just CJ in tears (not that I was gonna… y'know, but Sam was getting a little weepy). The President said he was going to talk to everyone in the Mural Room and then Leo said something strange.
"Hey CJ? Remember that thing we discussed?"
"Yes, Leo. It'll be taken care of."
"Good. Now get your asses back in the Mural Room."
We all looked at CJ with puzzled expressions but she just brushed us off. We entered the Mural Room just in time to see the room give the President three cheers. I spotted Donna standing near the wall, joining in with all her usual enthusiasm. The President once again sent his thanks and then told everyone to take the next day off. The room erupted again as Manchester signed off.
I was about to head back towards Donna when CJ grabbed my arm and stepped close to me, whispering in my ear.
"What?" She couldn't have said what I thought she just said.
"I said, go to her, Josh. There's no need to hide anymore." I thought I had to have misunderstood what CJ was saying, but when I turned to look at her, CJ elaborated. "You and Donna belong together, we all know it. We also know that you've been doing the impossible for the last twenty months, and it's made you both miserable. So, Toby and I came up with a plan, Sam agreed, and Leo gave me strict orders to make sure that you know you don't have to hide anymore."
I studied CJ's face, looking for any sign of a joke but knowing deep down that CJ would never be that cruel.
"Really?" CJ smiled at my disbelieving tone.
"Really, Josh. Go be with your woman." I took a couple of deep breaths and felt the grin break out over my face. I grabbed CJ and pulled her into a bear hug.
"Thank you, Claudia Jean," I whispered into her ear. As I pulled back, I kissed her cheek, grinned at her, and then turned to seek out Donnatella Moss.
She hadn't moved from her place by the wall, except now she leaned against it, her smile not reaching her eyes at all anymore. I realised in that moment just how tired Donna was. She looked world-weary, but I hoped I was about to change that.
I walked over to her and immediately reached for her hand, entwining our fingers discreetly. Donna looked at me with wide eyes as I leaned closer to her.
"Come with me?" The questions in her eyes were many but she nodded almost imperceptibly. She tried to remove her hand but I squeezed a little and then turned, leading her out of the room with our joined hands.
I briefly considered stopping at Leo's office but decided it would be better on our own territory, so I led us to my office, walking backwards most of the way so I could watch Donna. Several times, she looked like she was going to say something, but it never happened until we got to my office and I shut the door behind us.
"Josh, what's going on?" Something hit me then. What if Donna had actually managed to move on? Twenty months was a long time - the best part of two years. Donna's young, beautiful and amazing; she could have any guy she wanted. Why would she stick around for me?
And then I thought of the last twenty months. All the looks, the touches, the unspoken words, the lack of dates… after everything we'd been through, I didn't want to wait any longer.
"Donna, do you still love me?" Her eyes widened again.
"Josh, we can't…" I took a step closer and lowered my voice.
"Do you?" We stared into each other eyes and I saw the truth. I took another step closer and kissed her with all the built-up passion of twenty long months. It was how I imagined falling off the wagon would be like. Donna was my addiction and after going cold turkey, I could finally touch her, taste her, feel her again.
We finally broke apart and rested our foreheads together, just like we used to.
"Josh?"
"CJ and Toby came up with a plan. Leo's given us his blessing. We don't have to hide anymore, Donna. We don't have to live in this denial anymore." I felt her arms tighten around my neck as she rested her head on my shoulder.
"I guess I have to cancel my hot date for the Inauguration Ball then." I stiffened, and then felt her smile into my neck.
"God, I missed you," I admitted as I hugged her tighter.
"I've always been here, Josh."
"It wasn't the same." I stroked her hair as she placed soft kisses all over my neck between words.
"No, it wasn't. So, what do we do now?" That part is simple.
"Come home with me, Donnatella Moss." She smiled and we walked out of the White House with our arms wrapped around each other.
So, that was the past. And this is the present, "this" being me, Joshua Lyman, lying in my bed naked, spooned around one Donnatella Moss, also naked. The sun's rising over DC, morning beams illuminating Donna's beautiful skin. I rise up on my elbow and gently stroke her face with my fingertips. She stirs and I freeze, not wanting to wake her, but she wakes up anyway. I hold my breath as she looks up at me… and gives me her biggest smile. It's breathtaking but at the same time, it sets me free. I breathe again, more deep breaths, and realise that the ever-present feeling of suffocation has ceased to be ever-present.
"Josh?" I see and hear her concern, but I just keep smiling. I realise that the fear has gone; the quicksand has vanished.
"Shhh, it's okay. I'm just remembering what it's like to breathe again."
~~~
End
~~~
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