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I Can't Stop This
Who We Are: Part 4
Warnings: ** NC17 ** Please read responsibly!
Author's Notes: Sequel to WWA1, WWA2 and WWA3 - if you haven't
read those, this probably won't make much sense. (and if you have, well,
that probably still stands!
This is my first NC17 fic to be posted for public consumption (nope, not the first I've written, but I kept those hidden!) Hope it works!
Disclaimer: I do not earn any money from this, I don't have any money, and in fact, writing fic is probably costing me money since I'm not doing my uni coursework and hence may not pass my degree (just kidding, parents! Although, not so much, now.) All praise Aaron Sorkin!
Feedback: Some people need drink, some people need cigarettes, some people need both. I need feedback! And Josh, but what can ya do, eh?
I turn on the shower and throw my clothes into a pile… somewhere. I just lost it in front of Donna. Again. That's turning out to be a bit of a regular thing these days, in between the odd inappropriate touch-stroke-hug-stroke-kiss that I just can't seem to control lately.
I used to think I was always in control but now I realise that I, well, wasn't. Not since Donna muscled her way into my life anyway. From that moment on, she was pretty much in control of everything. First it was just professional, and then it was literally my whole life.
Who do you think wakes me up in the morning these days?
It's just a shame she's not waking me up in person.
And right there, ladies and gentlemen, is another White House scandal just waiting to happen.
God, I don't want to think about this.
I throw myself in the shower for what I hope is five minutes, max - I'm late enough already. I rub a towel over my hair before catching my reflection in the mirror. I look like hell.
I wrap another towel around my waist before I shave the two days of growth off of my face in the hope that it will make me look better. It doesn't. I lean on the counter and stare at myself in the mirror. I'm 39 years old. I have no wife, no girlfriend, no kids. I've devoted my life to politics, which is fine. 'Cause I love politics. And I'm damn good at it.
I thought I was good at it.
Three states. I could've gotten us three states and instead I rushed it and… blew it. God damnit! The President needed those three states. We needed them. Twice, I was told - first Joey and then Sam - and still I just went ahead and decided to do it anyway.
Just like I decided that me and Donna couldn't be more than friends. And that Donna wasn't allowed to have a successful relationship with, well, any other guy. Ever.
Yeah, okay, that last one worked out well. For me, anyway.
"Josh?" Jesus! She's standing right next to me!
"Donna! You scared the…"
"I called your name about ten times, Josh! When you didn't answer, I thought I'd come see if you'd flooded the bathroom." Despite her joking, she's tense. And worried. It's written all over her face. I try to smile at her.
"I'm fine, and as you can see, the bathroom is flood-free. Although, my stubble did seem to have its own little bubble bath going on in the basin here a little earlier." I wave my hand at the basin in front of me to make my point.
"Ugh! Jooosh!" She swipes my arm and then turns to lean back against the counter, apparently so she can stare right at me. It's unnerving as hell.
"Seriously, Donna, I'm sorry about earlier. I've… screwed up." I look back at the mirror. At the scar that dissects my chest. I feel Donna's hand come to rest on my forearm and realise for the first time how undressed I am. Her touch slams through me and I suppress a shiver.
"It was a mistake, Josh, and to be honest, I really don't know what the mistake actually consisted of at the moment, since you got the money and all, but I'll accept it. For now." I turn my head towards her again, in surprise. For whatever reason, Donna's chosen now not to question me. Somehow she just knows that that's exactly what I needed her to do right now, even though it probably goes against what she's pretty much always done before. How can I not love this woman?
"You're just going to accept it? Without the twenty questions?" She nods. "Even though you don't know…"
"For now, Josh."
Oh that's right, I can't. I love this woman, completely.
Aaaaand back to the mirror.
We share, at least what I hope Donna is finding, a comfortable silence. It's anything but comfortable for me. Her hand is still on my forearm, and I never want it to leave there. It's a small touch, but I'll take what I can get.
I should move. I should leave the bathroom and get changed. President Bartlet's about to kick-off his re-election campaign and I'm not even dressed yet.
Also, I'm getting pretty aroused here. Just from Donna's hand. Which is now moving. Wh…where's it going?
Great, even my mind has that high-pitch thing going on now.
I track Donna's hand in the mirror as it moves towards my chest. The scar. I feel her touch before she's even there. She runs a finger lightly down the pale white line and even though I've lost a lot of feeling around that area, I can still feel a numbed sensation. I gasp.
"Donna." Was that my voice? That sounded like a warning and a desperate plea all in one, not that I'm caring much right now. I want this; I want her, so much. I don't think I have the strength to stop it, not… I have to close my eyes and drop my head when her fingers move back up the scar. Not this time. Not again.
When she reaches the top of the scar, she flattens her hand over it. When I look at her again, I can see the unshed tears in her eyes and the sorrow on her face. My left hand covers hers on my chest and my right cups the side of her head. I try to tell her with my eyes that everything's okay. My thumb wipes out a tear on a solo mission down her beautiful face.
I can't stop this.
I lean into her and take her lips. My hand slips to the back of her head so I can pull her closer whilst her free hand wraps around my back and pulls me into her. We kiss and kiss and kiss, our tongues duelling for control (I have to at least put up a fight!), until we have to break.
I just want to state that… normally I'm grateful that I still need to breathe; but right now it's a major inconvenience.
We rest our foreheads together for a few seconds, panting the same air, but then I have to taste her again and before long she's all over me.
Okay, fine. We're all over each other.
She dodges me a little, smiling as she teases me, causing me to forget everything except that she's here. I return the smile as I push her back into the counter with my hips, showing her exactly what she's doing to me. I bury both my hands into her long blonde hair, scrunching it up a little as I kiss her again.
I can't stop this.
But does she want to?
"Donna," I manage as I kiss my way down her long neck. "If you want to stop this, you'd better do it now." She throws her head back as I find a particularly sensitive spot.
"We… have to…," she moans. I am da man! "…to stop this, Josh!" I just about manage to stop kissing her. But, just for the record, anything longer than five seconds and I might actually die.
I cup her face in both hands and look straight into her blue eyes. Screw it! I'll fix the consequences later. We're going to do this.
"Forget what we have to do. Forget it! Do what you want to do, Donna. Forget who we are. What do you want to do?!" God, I sound desperate, but I don't have time to worry about that. Donna stares at me for a couple of seconds before pushing me away slightly. I swear my heart actually stops. She doesn't want this.
Oh. She really wants this! Yes!
She takes off her black jacket and tries to make sure it doesn't crease too much as she throws it somewhere. Then she starts unbuttoning her pink blouse and I'm entranced by the flesh that's revealed with each button. As well as the white lacy bra. She un-tucks the blouse and when she runs out of buttons, she rests her hands on the top of her black pants.
"Josh? We haven't got much time; do I have to do this all by myself?" Hell no!
I finally reach out and run my fingers lightly down from her neck to her waistband, watching her arch into my touch a little. I undo her pants and she pulls me into another kiss as my hands push the pants and her underwear off her hips in one go. Her hands leave me for a second as she jumps up onto the edge of the counter behind her. I hang back a little and just look at her. She makes me breathless.
"Donna…" She chooses that moment to wrap her endless legs around me and pull me towards her. She flings an arm around my neck and I have no choice but to drop my head until our lips are almost touching.
"Shut up, Josh." She licks my lips as she gives the towel around my waist one tug and lets it drop to the floor. Her hand wraps around me and strokes me gently as she pushes her tongue into my mouth.
Well, I wasn't going to argue with that.
This isn't how I imagined this would be. I wanted… I want to make love with Donna. Slowly. I want to explore every inch of her body, lay her down on a big bed and kiss her from head to toe. I want to spend hours with her - holding her, kissing her, touching her, loving her.
I know. Doesn't sound like me at all, does it?
Now, I guess I should point out that this works for me too, right? I just never thought Donna would be like this. She's so… bold and… not nervous. Of course, I'm not nervous either. Nope, not at all.
I'm extremely nervous. This is Donna! Donna, who I've loved for longer than I can remember. I… have to stop thinking now.
Donna's thumb rubs over the tip of my erection and I can't stop the groan that releases from inside me. I push my hand into her bra to cup her breast whilst trying to figure out how to lose the blouse and bra without losing her hand on me. 'Cause that just feels too good to lose right now.
Donna must have read my mind because she takes her arm from around my neck and clicks something at the front of her bra. Suddenly her breasts are free and I can't help but hold them. I cup one in each hand, feeling the already-hard nipples tighten further.
Front-fastening bras have to be the best invention ever!
I massage her nipples lightly and then bend down to take one in my mouth. Her hand finally leaves my shaft but as I glance up from her chest, she looks straight into my eyes whilst she sucks on her thumb. Then her eyes slide shut and she looks like she's tasting the best chocolate in the world. Knowing that she is actually tasting me almost finishes me and I have to clench my eyes shut to try to gain some control. When I finally move to her other nipple, Donna drops her head and whispers into my ear.
"Josh, no time." I try to continue regardless, her breath tickling my ear not helping me care where we have to be at that moment, but Donna has other ideas. She buries a hand in my hair and pulls me into yet another deeply penetrating kiss. At the same time, she raises her legs a little so that her ankles are crossed over my butt. She guides me to the entrance of her body and I take the hint.
I drop my hands to her hips to hold her steady as I push gently into her. She's so hot and wet and I don't know how long I'm going to be able to last. We've been heading towards this for months - perhaps years, but definitely months.
I glide all the way in and we both gasp. I hold still for a second, feeling her body get used to the intrusion, and then I withdraw slowly until her legs tighten around me and pull me back in again, a little quicker than I want, but it doesn't really matter. My thrusts speed up from there and whenever I'm not kissing Donna, I'm chanting her name. I can feel her nails on my back and I know she's close. Then suddenly she pulls away from me and leans back, her weight supported on her arms stretching out behind her, her blouse slipping off her shoulders a little. The change in angle allows me to thrust harder and her legs continue to guide me into her. She shifts again and balances on one hand as she moves the other to where I'm entering her body.
I watch her touch herself and time my thrusts to her strokes on her clit.
I can't stop this? Why the hell would I want to?
"Look at me." I gaze up the length of her body, stretched out in front of me, watching her chest rise and fall rapidly as she struggles to breathe. I can relate. The remaining open blouse and bra excite me even further. My eyes keep moving up until I can look straight into hers again. There's hardly any blue left in them now and I can see the desire and the need there. We watch each other for a few moments, her eyes showing me the pleasure she receives every time I push into her. Then Donna suddenly moans and I know I'll be hearing that sound in my dreams for a long time. On the next thrust she throws her head back and I can feel her body shaking around me as she moans again.
I try to ride out her orgasm but she looks so good and her muscles clamping around me make it impossible. I pull out a little and thrust in deeper, arching my back and releasing into Donna.
"Josh!" It's a whispered scream and I hold her hips tight enough to bruise as we both continue to shudder.
Donna's body finally relaxes and she rests her head on my shoulder, her arms wrapped around my neck, as we both try to catch our breath. I run my hand up and down her spine, hoping to soothe her after the really good sex.
What? It was really good! Great even! I am so da man! Donna's practically out of it.
Donna.
My assistant, Donna.
Oh God, I've wanted this to happen for so long, but, truth is… I really should have stopped it. Donna's still my assistant, I'm still her boss, and we still work in the White House. It's who we are. Just 'cause I'm in love with her… well, it doesn't mean a thing to the people who want to bring us down.
I'm not even sure of what this means to Donna yet. I mean, she seemed pretty interested when we…, when I…, that night she told me she wouldn't stop for red lights. I told her I was going to figure this out and she told me to do it. But so much has happened since then. I guess, if I want to find out how she feels then I have to tell her how I feel.
So I should just tell her. I should just say, 'Donna, I'm in love with you.' Huh, yeah, ahkay. And if she doesn't feel the same, it'll be 'goodbye Josh'. I can't lose her. I just can't.
I wrap my arms around her instead and pull her tighter against me. I hardly have time to enjoy the feel of Donna in my arms when she puts her hands on my chest and pushes. I let go and she slides back a little on the counter, causing me to slip out of her body. I can't help the small groan of disappointment.
"You had to be downstairs a while ago. You need to get dressed."
"Donna…"
"Go Josh. It's okay." It's not okay.
I don't know whether to be relieved or worried about the way Donna's acting right now. She doesn't seem pissed, which is good. On the other hand, she doesn't seem particularly happy either. I try again.
"Donna."
"Josh, really, we haven't got time. You have to go, now." She pushes me away and hops off the counter. She crouches down to start collecting her clothes and it's from there that she glares up at me. "Josh! Go!"
I'm in a daze as I walk out of the bathroom and start dressing. I just had sex with Donna; this should be a good thing. Except she's acting as if nothing happened, which is a bad thing…
Yeah, definitely bad.
She seemed to be having a good time, so that's a good thing.
But we both work in the White House and she's my assistant, so us having sex at all is a very bad thing. And we both know that.
I just had sex with Donna because I love her. Why did she have sex with me?
She wouldn't have… she didn't… no.
She'd practically said it herself, the night I told her Mrs Landingham had been killed. She'd implied that us having a relationship wouldn't be good for the President. Actually, she'd said "the Deputy Chief of Staff was screwing his assistant". Don't think I'll forget those words in a hurry. So I guess I actually do know how she feels. So why did she…?
Pity?
"Josh." God, Donna.
She walks out of the bathroom fully dressed and immediately comes over to fix my tie. I stare at her face, trying to read her, which is something I can usually do very easily, except she's avoiding my eyes.
"Donna."
"The President's going to do well today. And he's going to win re-election. I know he is. Do you know how I know?" She doesn't even give me time to answer. "Because I have a sense." She takes a breath and I take the chance.
"We have to talk." She finishes the tie and finally looks at me.
"Not now, Josh." She's avoiding this. It's pissing me off.
"Well, when, Donna?" Her eyes widen at my tone but she recovers quickly and smiles a little.
"Soon. Let's go." She all but pushes me out of the room and down the stairs, and then the day begins.
The President reminds us what's at stake - a great President - before he faces the crowd. He settles us with an apology, pulls us all together again and suddenly we're all ready for what's coming.
The speech is good, the President is a hit with the New Hampshire crowd, and I can't stop thinking about Donna.
I tell myself she wouldn't have let this morning happen if she didn't want it to. The question is: why did she want it to? She… I thought, after… the night of the red lights revelation, we kissed and talked a little, and she seemed to want to, she really did. And then at her apartment, when I told her about Mrs Landingham, well, okay, she stopped it first.
And then she said those words.
She doesn't really think that's all this is, does she? She can't not know how I feel about her.
She… pity? Is that the only reason?
We have to talk.
Go to Who We Are Part 5: That's Who We Are >
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