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Hold Me
Who We Are: Part 3
Author's Notes: Sequel to WWA1 and WWA2 - if you haven't read
those, this probably won't make much sense. (and if you have, well, that
probably still stands!
Thanks to SPE. ;)
Disclaimer: I do not earn any money from this, I don't have any money, and in fact, writing fic is probably costing me money since I'm not doing my uni coursework and hence may not pass my degree (just kidding, parents! Although, not so much, now.) All praise Aaron Sorkin!
Feedback: Some people need drink, some people need cigarettes, some people need both. I need feedback! And Josh, but what can ya do, eh?
I finally told Josh what really happened before I came back. He's currently gloating in the knowledge that he's better than Dr Free Ride.
"I'm just saying: if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer."
That's really sweet of you Josh, but it's nothing I don't already know.
"If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights." I stand up and decide now would be a good time to leave. "Thanks for taking me back. Oh, and the flowers are beautiful."
I keep walking down the corridor. I don't look back but I can tell Josh is watching me. I can feel his eyes on me.
I walk through the doors into the lobby and finally take a deep breath. I can't believe I actually just told him that. Way to go Donna! If he didn't suspect I had *inappropriate* feelings for him before, he sure as hell will now.
That's providing the whole kiss-thing at Christmas didn't give it away, but then neither of us have mentioned anything since that. We've been fine. Really!
I close my eyes and take another deep breath before continuing across the lobby and into the communications bullpen. I'm passing Toby's office when I hear Josh's somewhat-out-of-breath voice calling me.
"Donna!"
I stop and turn around as he jogs up and stops in front of me, the lobby doors still swinging in his wake. I wait for him to say something but he just stands there looking at me and breathing a little heavily. Then suddenly he opens the door to Sam's empty office and steps half inside, placing his hand gently on my arm. I don't look away from his eyes, and when they ask me to follow him I do. He backs into Sam's dark office and then closes the door behind me. The only light in the room is coming through the window and it's barely enough to see each other with, but still I can't break eye-contact with him. The hand that was resting on my arm moves up to my face and his fingers stroke my cheek with a feather-light touch. We're both breathing deeply, in time with each other, now, the intensity of his gaze and his actions making me nervous and excited at the same time.
We could have been standing there for a second or an hour - I have no idea - but finally Josh moves forward and kisses me lightly, just as he did at Christmas. As he pulls away I can't help but be a little disappointed that this time he didn't go further.
Then his free hand moves to rest on the back of the door and his other moves to the side of my head as he moves forward again. This time he sticks around and when he swipes his tongue across my lips I moan and part them to allow him entrance, taking the step back so I can lean against the door. He follows me and rests the whole length of his body along mine, my hands on his back only serving to pull him even closer, if possible. Whoa can Josh kiss!
This time, the only thing that parts us is the mutual need to breathe. We break apart with a couple of soft kisses and then we're caught in each other's gaze again. Josh finally speaks in a low soft voice that goes right through me.
"I'm going to figure this out, Donna. I'm going to figure this out and then we're going to continue this."
"This?"
"Us. If you want to, that is." I briefly wonder if now wouldn't be a good time to stop this, before we both get in trouble, but another second of looking at the insecurity in his eyes and I realise that I can't turn my back on this, on him, now.
Right, as if I ever could!
I slide my arms around his neck and pull him down into another kiss.
"Figure this out, Josh, soon." And then I somehow manage to open the door behind me, and leave, heading straight for the Roosevelt Room.
I spend the rest of the evening trying to bring the funny for the Correspondent's Dinner speech whilst trying not to think about how I was in the office of the Deputy Communications Director making out with the Deputy Chief of Staff, aka my boss.
Aka the man I'm in love with.
"Sagittarius." I know, Josh.
"You alright?" he asks, with so much concern I almost lose it, but I have to hold it together, for him. Toby said Josh would need me and I've got to be here for him. It's what I do. I'm his assistant and I need to assist him.
"Yeah." I tell him I've put some couches in the room next door in the basement. It's unlikely that any of the senior staffers will be seeing their homes on a regular basis for a while, but they'll need to sleep at some point.
It was only a couple of weeks ago when Josh and I were about to finally sort out our relationship. It was only a couple of days after that when Josh suddenly became pre-occupied and a little distant. A lot distant. I knew something was seriously wrong, I just didn't know what.
Now I do, and it couldn't be more serious. We could all be in a lot of trouble. As for whether we're going to be here in two years time or not, nobody knows right now. I'm guessing that's what the meeting tonight is about.
Josh returns from a meeting in Leo's office and tells me I can go home.
"You don't want me to stay until after the meeting tonight?" He looks up with a regretful expression, which he tries to hide behind a small smile.
"No. I don't know how long we're gonna be in there for, and I don't think we're gonna need to do anything immediately afterwards anyway."
"Okay, but call me if you need me, yeah?" His smile grows a little and his gratitude cannot be missed.
"Yeah. Thanks." I smile and turn to leave his office. "Donna?" I turn back around. "I'm sorry I wasn't the one who told you." I knew that was bothering him.
"It's okay, Josh. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah." I open the door and leave his office. Pausing at my desk to pick up my coat and bag, I'm out of the West Wing ten minutes later and on my way home.
Half an hour after I arrive home to an empty apartment - Kate's staying at her boyfriend's tonight - the door buzzer goes off.
"Hello?"
"Donna, it's Josh." I check the time. It's close to 9pm and he should be in the meeting in the Residence by now. Something's wrong.
"Come on up." I buzz him in and then open my apartment door. From here I can see the top of the stairs where Josh appears a couple of minutes later. As he reaches the landing he looks up at me and freezes. Our eyes meet and I can see that he is both upset and worried.
It's amazing how much Josh and I can communicate with just our eyes.
He finally starts walking towards me again and motions me into the apartment first before closing the door behind him. He shrugs off his coat and suit jacket, throwing them over an armchair as he sits me down on the sofa, and then takes a seat on the coffee table across from me. He reaches forward, takes one of my hands in both of his and then looks straight at me as he begins to speak.
"Donna, Mrs Landingham was driving her new car back to the White House. She was crossing the junction at 18th and Potomac when someone ran the red light." My free hand flies up to cover my mouth. Was she hit? Is she okay? What happened?
"Josh?" is all I can manage. He drops his head for a second before looking up again with eyes full of concern. And sorrow. "No."
"She was killed instantly." I can't do anything to stop it; I just break down. I pull my hand from Josh's to cover my face as I sob uncontrollably, my hair falling forward to cover my face.
"Donna." Josh's voice is full of pain too. He moves from the table to the sofa beside me, tucking one leg up so he can sit facing me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him.
It's too much. Finally, it's all too much. First there was the whole thing between Josh and me finally happening, then the President's MS, which led to Josh and me NOT happening, and now Mrs Landingham is dead.
I wrap my arms around Josh's waist and rest my head on his shoulder, probably drenching his shirt with my tears. His hands run up and down my back before one settles in my hair. I can feel him placing kisses on my head in between soothing words.
"Shhhh. It's okay, Donna. I'm here. We'll get through this, together." A fresh wave of tears starts when he says 'together'. Right now, I don't even know if we'll ever be 'together'.
"Hey." I feel both his hands push my hair back and then he lifts my face. I see the unshed tears in his eyes and rest my forehead against his.
"It's too much, Josh," I choke out. He takes a deep breath, his hands still moving through my hair. He places another soft, comforting kiss on my forehead and then returns to press his against mine.
"I know." And he does. He knows what I'm talking about. He shifts slightly and kisses my cheek, and then somehow we end up kissing each other again.
What began in comfort quickly shifts to this unresolved tension that we still have between us. We kiss each other frantically, almost desperately, neither of us wanting to stop, and yet both of us knowing we have to. And soon.
"Josh. Josh, we can't…"
"I know." He deliberately places a closed-mouth, almost chaste kiss on my lips before finally pulling back.
"We…" I stop and try to gather my thoughts. "I'm your assistant, Josh. That hasn't changed. If the President goes public…"
"When." Oh God. If the President didn't go public then we might have had a chance. Now that he is, it's over.
"When the President goes public, there's going to be an investigation. If they found out that the Deputy Chief of Staff was screwing his assistant…"
"Don't say that, Donna! Don't…" The anger seems to disappear from his face as suddenly as it appeared, only to be replaced by sadness. "I'm sorry. Donna, believe me when I say that I'm so sorry for complicating this, us. I…" He looks like he's about to say something life changing, but he just stops.
"Josh?" He looks at the floor and shakes his head.
"I'm sorry, Donna. I never wanted to hurt you, ever." The sincerity in his voice and his eyes brings tears to my eyes once again. I know that he's hurting too.
"It's okay." I wind my arms around his waist again and rest my head on his other, non-wet shoulder. Finally returning to the news about Mrs Landingham, I ask if the President is okay.
"Leo told him just before he told us. CJ's putting together a press release, the rest of us were told to start the grapevine, but I knew I had to be the one to tell you. I came straight over." His hands are playing lightly with my hair; his voice is just a soothing whisper.
"Josh, will you do something for me?" I'm whispering too.
"Anything, Donna."
"Hold me. Just, hold me." His arms immediately come up around me, pulling me as tightly to him as possible. After a few minutes, he leans back on the sofa, taking me with him, until he's lying down with me sprawled on top of him.
We stay like that for what seems like hours, his hands continuously stroking my back, until we both fall asleep.
Go to Who We Are Part 4: I Can't Stop This! >
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