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"Believe me when I tell you that's not true!"
Who We Are: Part 2
Author's Notes: Sequel to WWA1 - if you haven't read that, this
probably won't make much sense. (and if you have, well, that probably
still stands!
Thanks to SPE. ;)
Disclaimer: I do not earn any money from this, I don't have any money, and in fact, writing fic is probably costing me money since I'm not doing my uni coursework and hence may not pass my degree (just kidding, parents! Although, not so much, now.) All praise Aaron Sorkin!
Feedback: Some people need drink, some people need cigarettes, some people need both. I need feedback! And Josh, but what can ya do, eh?
'Believe me when I tell you that's not true. Believe me when I tell you that's not true.'
Jeez, could I have been any less convincing?
"Josh?" Damnit!
"Could ya, maybe, not sneak up on me?" Sam just shrugs his shoulders a little.
"Sorry. Did you get the numbers?" He walks into my office and collapses into the visitor's chair. Well, it is almost 3am.
"Yeah. We haven't got the five districts."
"So we have to back off?" I lean forward and prop my head on my hand.
"Joey says we should dial it up." But I'm really not caring that much about this at the moment. I'm still stuck on what Joey said about Donna.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Sam, can you help me out with something?" He sits up a little and looks at his watch.
"It's 3am Josh."
"It won't take long." I can't believe I'm going to do this. "Just tell me if this is convincing, okay?" Sam looks puzzled but he agrees.
"Okay."
I sit there and repeat 'believe me when I tell you that's not true' in what I think is exactly the same way I said it to Joey. I can tell Sam has questions. I just watch him and wait for him to speak.
"I'm sorry, am I supposed to be commenting on how convincing I found that, or on how convincing the person you said it to might find it?" He doesn't even know who I said it to.
"How convincing you found it."
"Not at all. You've got a terrible poker face. Whatever you're talking about, you really haven't got a clue whether it's true or not. Although, you may get away with it if you're speaking to a blind person - your voice was the only thing that had any believability." Oh. And I was speaking to a deaf person. Well. "Josh, you okay? You look a little shocked there buddy."
"Yeah. Ahkay. Thanks Sam." Right so, Joey and Kenny probably know about this thing between Donna and me; Donna knows about this thing between Donna and me, well, according to Joey; I know…what? You think I don't know? I did, y'know, kiss her. Even though I was a bit, well, maybe, not myself, at the time. And it wasn't the greatest kiss. I can do so much better than that kiss, oh yeah! I…
"So, do I get to know who that line's for or what it's about?" Wha? Oh.
"No."
"Josh, we're friends!"
"Don't you have a home to go to?"
"You can talk. When did Joey leave? An hour ago?" How did he…?
"How did you know that?"
"I saw Joey and Kenny walk past my office. I came in here 'cause the only reason you'd still be here is if there was something on your mind." Sam has this knowing look in his eye.
"You think you know me so well." The scary thing is, he probably does. After Donna, he probably knows me best of all.
After Donna.
"So, did you ask Joey out?"
"Not you, too," I sigh. Sam holds his hands up in defence.
"I just asked the question. I didn't suggest you call her up right this second and invite her to dinner. Disturbing her at this time would be rude anyway, although, you'd actually have to ring Kenny, since Joey wouldn't be able to hear you, so you'd be disturbing…" I'm going to find his off-switch one day.
"Sam! I haven't asked Joey Lucas out, I'm not going to ask Joey Lucas out!"
"Good." Why would Sam think that's good?
"Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me earlier that I should ask Joey Lucas out?"
"Yes, yes I did." I give him a look that says, 'What the hell, man?'. "I was testing you."
"Testing me?" If Sam doesn't give me a straight answer soon, I'm going to have to yell at him.
"Okay, I can see that you're not following here, so I'll just lay it out on the table. This morning you said that you expected Donna to be jealous if you dated Joey Lucas, but denied that you get jealous if she goes out on a date."
"Yeah." I remember that. I lied through my teeth, not that anyone could tell.
"You were lying through your teeth, Josh." Damnit! "You can't stand it when Donna dates anybody." It takes me a moment to formulate my denial but by then it's too late. Sam just keeps on beating me over the head with the truth. "This morning, you also admitted that you 'don't like it and usually do everything within your considerable capabilities to sabotage it'. You ever asked yourself why?"
"Fun?" The look Sam gives me makes me feel like the scum of the Earth.
"Josh, why do you do it?" He looks right at me, as if he can look right through me, and it's then that I know he knows. I take a deep breath but when I speak again, my voice is quiet.
"How do you know?"
"You understand I'm on about you being…" Whoa, can't have him saying it out loud.
"Yes Sam, I know what you're getting at. How do you know?"
"Everyone knows."
"Everyone?" I clear my throat and repeat myself at a pitch that can be heard by humans and not just canines, something which Sam seems very amused at. "Everyone?"
"Well, not everyone sees that you're in l…"
"Whoa! Don't say it." He gives me that disappointed look again.
"Not everyone sees that, but most people see that there's something between you. When are you going to admit it?"
Admit it.
I know that when I think about the last three years, I can't imagine a moment of it without Donna. I know that I wouldn't be half as efficient as I am without Donna.
I know that the first person I wanted to see when I woke up in hospital after Rosslyn was Donna. I know that I couldn't have fully recovered from that night without Donna.
I know that the first night I slept without nightmares for a long time was the night I slept in Donna's bed, surrounded by the scent of Donna.
I know that it was that morning, Christmas Day, when I laid awake in her bed and tried to work out when I had fallen in love with Donnatella Moss. And what I was going to do about it.
I haven't found an answer to either question yet.
"Okay, I can see that you're finally giving this some serious thought so I'm going home now."
"Sam?" He stands up and then looks down at me. "We work in the White House. We're held to a higher standard." He looks puzzled. "I can't have an affair with my assistant." And there's that look again. What have I said now?
"An affair? No. You can, however, have a deep and meaningful relationship with the woman you've fallen in love with." His eyes bore into mine again, emphasising his point. After a pause, I nod slightly and his face breaks into this big smile. "See you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Thanks Sam."
"Anytime. Go home," he yells as he leaves my office.
I decide to take Sam's advice. I have to be back here in three and a half hours anyway. I leave the car at the White House and walk instead. Something tells me I wouldn't get much sleep if I went straight home.
I spend the next hour walking around DC trying to figure out what I'm going to do. That night at her apartment, I really thought Donna was interested. I pretty much told her how I feel, just stopping short of saying the words themselves. I think she got it though; she said she did. But she pulled back. Maybe she's not interested.
No, I remember the look in her eye. And she wasn't exactly a spectator in that kiss either. She's definitely interested. Okay, that's sorted. What's next?
Oh yeah, she's still my assistant. Well, that can't change. I can't do my job without her.
This is a problem.
Sam said I could have a relationship with the woman I've fallen in love with. Even though she's my assistant. And we work in the White House.
Sam's dreaming.
I can just see CJ's face when I tell her I'm sleeping with my assistant. She'll probably burst a blood vessel. Then hurt me. Then, if it went public, the administration would probably be dragged into a sex scandal, Donna and I would probably lose our jobs, and that's who we'd be for the rest of our lives. The White House Sex Scandal. The Bartlet Administration's Forbidden Lovers. I'd be the immoral middle-aged politician who couldn't keep his hands off his young assistant, and Donna would be the Leggy Blonde - God, just thinking this makes me feel sick - Whore who slept her way into the White House. I can't do that to her. Or to President Bartlet.
I look up and find that I'm standing outside Donna's apartment building. Don't ask me how I got here. All I know is that I'm staring up at her window at 3:45am. Her room is dark - she's almost certainly asleep by now.
I remember how Donna looked whilst she slept during the campaign. We often had to sleep on buses or on sofas, or wherever we could catch an hour or two. One night she fell asleep on the bus trip to… somewhere or other. Her head was resting on my shoulder and she was covered with my suit jacket. She looked so beautiful, so peaceful, and then she stirred slightly and lifted her hand out from under the jacket to undo the clip holding her hair up, without even opening her eyes. She ran a hand through her hair to flatten it a little before snuggling back under the jacket. A couple of minutes later, her head shifted slightly and her hair fell across her face. I remember pushing it back slightly with my fingers so I could see her face again. I watched her sleep for a while, too distracted to work. I'm not sure I even breathed for those few minutes.
I fell asleep with that image imprinted on my mind forever.
I drift back to the present and realise I've been standing in the middle of the sidewalk watching Donna's window for… however long I've been here. I decide this is a little too close to stalking for my liking and head back in the direction of my own apartment.
When I reach my place I'm shattered, but I doubt I'll get any sleep tonight. I collapse on the couch and switch the TV on, picking a sports channel without really caring what sport it is. I really don't want to watch anything political tonight. For once I just want to forget who I am.
I stare at the screen trying to work out what football teams are playing and then it cuts to someone's car being flipped over and I realise it's actually a film ad. I swear if I see anything about the President's opinion on this film in this trailer, I'm throwing my TV out the window.
The scene cuts again, this time to that guy who's pretty famous. He was in that confusing science-fiction film that Sam and Donna dragged me to last year. Donna seems to think he's hot.
Not in this film - what's up with his hair?
I stop internally mocking him long enough to listen to what he says.
I'm not entirely sure what he's going on about but it sounds deep. Huh.
I think about what he's said for a minute but can't work out why I'm dwelling. Probably distracting myself from thinking about Donna.
Nope, not going to happen. She's always in there somewhere.
Go to Who We Are Part 3: Hold Me >
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