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Impervious
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: I have oh-so-many JD stories in the works at the moment, and exams in two weeks. :( This was technically finished a little while ago and I really don’t know why I haven’t posted it yet but here it is. Also, I’m sure there are quite a few fics around with this title, but I’m hopeless at naming things so I’m sorry about that.
Many thanks to Mags and Mel. I can’t remember if Jeanine actually got this already but I’m thanking her too because she totally rocks - she knows why. Finally good luck to Beth, who has her GCSE’s coming up soon. You’ll fly through them!
Disclaimer: Not mine. It's all Mr Sorkin's. And NBC's and Warner Bros. Don't sue me - I'm a student.
Feedback: Yes please! Please please please with a chocolate Joshua on top?! I’m still nervous in this fandom.
"Hello?" Damnit. I must have woken her up.
"Donna?"
"You called me, Josh." I did. Why did I do that again?
"Well, you didn't sound like yourself for a moment there, Donnatella. Did I wake you?" Okay, what just happened to my voice there?
"No, I was just watching... oh." 'Oh'?
"You were watching 'oh'?" She's not making any sense, which always amuses me. Then another amusing thought occurs to me. "Donna, you weren't watching porn were you?" I smirk and choose to ignore any other reaction my body has to the idea.
"Joshua, no! I was watching... something that finished half an hour ago. I guess I did fall asleep." She still sounds like she hasn't completely rejoined the conscious people yet and my mind decides to flash up an interesting scene - Donna, me, bed, and that voice. "Josh?" Okay, maybe not *that* voice. Now she just sounds annoyed.
"Yes?"
"I said, why are you calling me at 4am?"
"I..." have *no* idea. "I talked to Joey." What am I saying? Donna's going to think I asked her out now.
"Well, I'm very happy for you Josh. Is there a reason why you felt the need to share that with me at four in the morning?"
"Hey! You were the one trying to get me to ask her out all night!" And why did you do that, Donna? Joey's certainly got an interesting theory on it.
*That's* why I called - to try to work out if Joey is right. Can't tell Donna that though. I'm going to have to be sneaky.
"Yes, but you didn't actually ask her out, did you Josh? You just talked to her about work." Damn, how did she ever get to know me so well?
"You're fired."
"Impervious." I smile, knowing that she's smiling on the other end of the phone too. I don't know whether I should be happy that she knows I wouldn't fire her, but I am.
"Are you just impervious to being fired, or can you withstand hurricanes too?"
"I'm impervious to you, Joshua. For example, I will not... where are you?" Oh oh.
"I'm at home."
"You're not. You're at the office! Josh! Go home!" I sigh.
"Why do you ask me questions you already know the answers to?" She does that a lot.
"It's part of my charm." I smile, even though she can't see me. Or maybe because she can't.
That's ridiculous. Why wouldn't I want Donna to see me smile at something she said?
"So, am I right to assume you failed to ask Joey Lucas out again? You should've worn your Joey Lucas suit." I'm never wearing that suit again.
"Will you stop calling it my Joey Lucas suit? It's just a regular suit, Donna!"
"It's actually a very nice suit, Josh." Huh, really? Donna thinks it's nice. Very nice, in fact. Maybe I'll keep it after all. "It's definitely not like your regular Tuesday suit."
"I don't have suits for days of the week!"
"Sure you don't." Well, that was sarcastic.
"You're fired."
"And yet again I must remind you that I am impervious."
"You said you were impervious to me. I'll get Leo to fire you."
"Leo won't fire me."
"Why not?"
"And let you loose without proper supervision? Ha!"
"'Ha'? And I'm not a child, Donna."
"Face it, Lyman, you're stuck with me." Thank God. "What?"
"Huh?"
"What did you say? I couldn't hear you." I said that out loud?
"Nothing. I didn't say anything. Are you hearing things in your old age, Donna?"
"Josh, you're about twice my age." Ow. Not true, but still. Ow.
"Fine, although I think you exaggerated there. Must be those voices in your head returning then. I've always thought you had multiple personalities. I mean, there's Donna the extremely organised assistant, Donna the crazy matchmaker, Donna the sucker for every gomer in DC, Donna..." I trail off when I hear something.
"Impervious." It's almost too quiet to hear.
"Uh, Donna? I didn't fire you just then." She stays quiet. "Donna?"
"I know, Josh." She's practically whispering, but I can hear the sadness in her voice. My throat tightens at the thought that I might have put it there. "I meant that I'm impervious to you; your threats, insults, whining, yelling, brooding, charm..." Her voice cracks a little.
"I do not whine, yell or brood." She thinks I have charm? I'd be happy about that, if she wasn't trying not to cry in my ear right now, or if, y'know, she hadn't also said "threats" and "insults". The lump in my throat grows and I can barely speak, but I make myself. Because this is important. "And I don't threaten or insult you. At least, I don't mean to. If I do then I'm only teasing and I'm sorry if you thought it was ever anything else." Surely she knew I was teasing! But suddenly I fell like a schmuck and this conversation has gotten way too serious.
"I know." Her quiet response startles me out of my pity-party. I don't think I've ever heard that amount of sadness or resignation in her voice before, and it angers me. She's better than this. She must know that she's better than this. Stronger than this. "Goodnight Josh."
The dial tone in my ear after Donna hangs up on me disturbs me, or maybe it was the conversation that disturbed me. Either way, I am disturbed.
Donna thinks I'm serious with all that crap I say? She's crazy! She's a brilliant, amazing, wonderful, beautiful person. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't believe Joey earlier, not because Donna's behaviour wasn't a little strange, but because I've been searching for something, some sign, from Donna for weeks. Longer, even. Something that would tell me if she felt what I was feeling; if she thought of me as anything more than her boss.
I haven't seen a thing. Either Donna should have been collecting an Oscar every year since I've known her, or she really doesn't feel anything for me.
God, I can't get that tone out of my head. I realise now that I've really hurt her and it makes me wonder: how often have I hurt her in the past?
It's that question that leads me out of the west wing and over to her apartment. I don't want to hurt Donna; I don't ever want Donna to hurt, especially not because of me.
I double park my car besides hers and jog up the two flights of stairs to her apartment. Taking a deep breath in a pointless attempt to calm down, I knock on her door lightly. Then not-so lightly. Then I realise that I have no idea what exactly I'm going to say to her, just as she opens the door.
My problem of not knowing what to say is forgotten for a minute whilst I take in the perfect image of Donna; hair all mussed, eyes half shut, a sleepy pout on her lips, dressed in deep red flannel pyjamas... I feel my jaw go slack.
Then her eyes widen and I see how red they are. She's been crying. Might still be, actually; the light from the hall behind me catches the still-wet tear tracks on her face. My heart aches; I'd do anything right now to fix this.
I start by reaching my hands forward and cupping the sides of her head, brushing away the tears with my thumbs.
"Don't cry. Please, don't cry," I plead, my voice a quiet whisper. That only seems to make things worse. Her eyes fill with tears again and she tries to pull back from me, but I don't let her go. Instead, I take a step towards her, and place my lips against hers.
I don't push it. I know I'm taking a big risk here and Donna can't possibly be on the same page as me, so I just rest my lips gently against hers, hoping that she'll understand.
Her hands, previously left at her sides, suddenly come up to rest on top of mine. She pulls my hands away and steps back, my name leaving her lips in a sob. I keep hold of her hands, stopping her from turning around and walking away from me. She keeps stepping back and I just step with her, kicking the door shut behind me after I clear it.
"Josh, let me go."
"I can't, Donna. I can't and I won't. Not until you listen to me." I want to wipe her tears away again, but I fear letting go of her hands. I figure the sooner I start talking, the sooner the tears will stop. I hope, anyway.
"Donna, listen. What I said earlier... I didn't... it wasn't... I..." Damnit! "I was joking, Donna. And no, it wasn't funny. But then, really, when am I ever?" Donna's head is down and I can't see her eyes. "Please, look at me." She shakes her head a little and I sigh. I try again.
"I'm sorry, Donna. I drift through the days, going where you tell me to, taking you for granted. I almost always say the first thing that I think of, and you get the majority of that. What I said on the phone - the split personalities thing - I swear to God, Donna, I was only joking. I never meant any of that. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth." I stop there because Donna is finally raising her head. Her eyes are still wet but now she looks angry.
"You may not have meant it Josh, but you said those things. Which means you must believe them, on some level."
"No. Absolutely not." I squeeze her hands to emphasise my point, and to let out a little of my frustration. "I thought it was okay to say those things, to joke like that, 'cause I was sure you knew what I really think of you, or at least had some idea. That, and also, why do you care so much about what I think?" Honestly, why does she?
"I... it matters." She finally manages to pull her hands from mine and immediately turns her back to me. "You're my boss. If you don't respect me, who else will?"
"Don't respect you?!" I shout incredulously and see Donna flinch. I take another breath and try to calm down. Thankfully, when I speak again, my voice is much quieter. "I respect you, Donna. I love you." I see her back stiffen as I wonder where the hell that came from. "I mean, you're not just my employee Donna, you're my friend. You think I don't respect you? You're unlike anyone I've ever met. No one could do your job as well as you. You're smart, organized and you're practically a walking encyclopaedia." My voice drops even more. "You're also unbelievably caring... and beautiful. You're amazing, Donnatella Moss." I hold my breath as I watch Donna turn around. This time, her eyes aren't angry, but the tears are still there. "And you are valuable to me." She brings a trembling hand to her mouth as her tears fall again. I honestly don't think I've seen Donna cry as much in the last three years as she has tonight.
"J... Josh...?" I take the last few steps towards her and wrap her in my arms as she rests her forehead on my shoulder. I run my hands up and down her back to soothe her tears and hopefully calm her down. Once she's stopped shaking, I just put my arms around her and pull her tighter to me.
I can't think of anything else to say - what more is there after pouring your heart out? Turns out I don't have to think of anything; Donna speaks from my shoulder first.
"Do you?" Okay, could she be any more vague there? I sigh before answering.
"Do I respect you? Yes, a great deal. Do I think you're smart? Organized? A walking encyclopaedia? Yes, all of the above, and so much more. Do I think you're beautiful and amazing? I always have, and I always will. And yes, you are valuable to me, invaluable even. And you'll be more so if you could tell me how those two words..." I stop rambling when Donna's hand covers my mouth. She's still resting her head on my shoulder.
"I meant, do you love me?" I know what she means, just like she knew what I meant when I made my slip earlier. She's asking if I'm really in love with her. I drag her hand from my mouth and hold it in mine as my other hand cups her face and pulls it up off my shoulder. I want to see her eyes as I say this.
"Yes." And then a thought hits me. "Are you impervious to that?"
"That?"
"Me," I clarify. Her hands come up between us and this time she frames my face before kissing me. I rest my hands on her hips and then wrap my arms around her waist to mirror hers wrapping around my neck. I feel the tip of her tongue run along my lips and grant her request to deepen the kiss. Eagerly encourage it, actually, what with my involuntary moan and the movement of my own tongue. She is so good at this.
We break apart, both requiring air. We remain wrapped in each other's arms, our foreheads resting together, as our bodies recover slowly.
"Josh, I'm impervious to being fired. I'm impervious to office gossip, snide comments and hurtful insults, and I'm impervious to the affections of any gomer, of any man. Anyone but you, Joshua. No matter how hard I tried, I could never not be affected by you."
"Believe me when I tell you that is completely mutual." And then, just because I'm determined to do this right, I add quietly, "I'm in love with you, Donnatella. Please, don't ever doubt how I feel about you."
She smiles widely, and then kisses me again. Her actions tell me that she's in love with me too, and that, together, we can be impervious to anything.
~~~
End.
~~~
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