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Three Little Words

Chapter 1

Warnings: Spoilers: One entire scene from Manchester Part II

Author's Notes: My first West Wing fiction and posted with persuasion and fun feedback from the Scooby Gang (Mags, Beth and Bekki). Major thanks have to go to Mags who beta'd this - Mags I don't think I tell you enough that you are an amazing treasure.  Bekki - your comments were funnier than the fic.

Oh and I'm in Britain and we are only just getting WW season three - so that's why I'm behind.

Disclaimer: <closing my eyes and wishing hard.> damn not mine, guess Aaron still owns them.  Suing will only result in someone owning three demonic cats.

Feedback: I would love it - this is my first WW fic so I would really value everyone's opinion.

"Donna where's Josh?"

Can someone please explain to me how three little words like that can mess
up my life so completely?  Three little words and not even the kind that
leads to a healthy relationship, no these three little words just led me
straight to sex.  Don't get me wrong I like sex - great sex is even better
and lets face it after the past couple of years I'd be lucky to tell great
sex if it came up and bit me.  Well not literally, well okay maybe.  Where
was I again?

Oh yes, Leo yelling at me to find Josh, my idiot boss who once again was
nowhere to be found and wasn't on my Josh radar.  You have to understand I
pride myself on keeping track of Josh, tracking him to the point that I can
almost feel where he is.  My Josh radar I like to call it - but never to
him.  God I can just see his face if he knew that, smugness followed by
hysterical laughter.  Which always makes his face light up and his eyes
dance.  I could live in those eyes sometimes.  Where was I again?

Look at me I'm a rambling wreck.  How is it possible that he can do this to
me?  I don't ramble, I'm not a scatty person - honestly I'm very organised,
controlled and right now I just can't stop the tears that are rolling down
my face.  I hate crying and that just makes me cry even more.  I hate losing
control of my emotions.  I hate the way this is making me feel.  God, right
now I hate Josh - which isn't good since I just had sex with him.

Did I say that it was great sex?

I did?

Good.


Earlier in the day..

"Come in"

"You're supposed to be downstairs." I admonish my wayward boss as I enter
his room.

"Yeah."

"You're not ready yet?" Oh great he's not even dressed, as such.  Just in
those cute little shorts and grey faded t-shirt.

"We're blowing this RU46 thing."

"You've gotta get in the shower."  He won't drop this damn pill issue, I'm
trying to keep him on track but something's eating at him.

"Among everything else it's going to look like we're kicking off the
campaign by pandering to women's group."

"Josh." This isn't working he's gearing up for a fight and I don't even know
why.

"There's no question that most voters are pro choice but the ones that aren'
t are going to devote their lives and their money to beating you.  Guns don'
t kill people - Bartlet does.  It's going to look like we screwed up the
timing so that the press is going to write about process and not about
issues and getting political reporters to write about issues in the first
place is like getting kids to eat their vegetables."

I'm getting his clothes together and putting them on the bed trying to get
some control on the situation but it's not working.  Oh and if you're
wondering how I know which clothes are in which drawers it's because I put
them there.  This guy couldn't unpack even if his life depended on it.

"You've gotta shave." Though I have to admit I like the rough look on Josh.

"Don't you wanna know how it's like getting kids to eat their vegetables?"
Josh and kids now there's a thought.  A scary thought.

"Shave and shower."

"It helps if there is nothing else on their plate." Despite what he's saying
I can read him more than he thinks.  He hasn't slept and that's worrying.

"You didn't sleep?"

"No.  I could stop this thing.  One phone call.  The President's not even
involved.  Could you do us a favour could you hold off two weeks.  We love
your drug but we don't want it folded into our news cycle.  I could've
picked up the phone, I could've picked up the phone.."

Oh no.  No no no he's winding himself up. I'm trying to remain calm but this
is so typical of him. "Josh.."

"I could've." His hand flies out hits the doorframe to his bathroom.  "God!"
And suddenly I'm there.  In his apartment watching him put his hand through
a window.  Was that what this was like?

"What's this about?"

"I blew the tobacco thing." And there it is, a simple statement but the look
in his eyes haunts me.  I'm not sure I've ever seen that look on a person
before.  The anger mixed with fear of failure, rejection.

"I could've helped this.  It's going to be a very close election."

He turns from me and starts into the bathroom and in a voice so quiet it
unnerves me he just says "I've gotta take a shower." And then closes the
door.

And I'm left stood there, heart beating rapidly wondering what the hell to
do.  I've never seen him like that before.  Even during the PTSD he was
never this vulnerable.  That look, that look in his eyes when he told me.
He's biting back the pain and all of a sudden I'm scared for him, more than
before.  He needs to let it out but he's not.

Oh yes he's thumped the wall and yelled for two seconds but then he clamped
down and hid it from me.  He doesn't like to lose control but right now he
needs to do that.

I can hear the shower running and movement behind the door and I'm not sure
what to do but I know I can't just stay here.

I knock quietly, tentatively and oh that is so not like me.  And I guess
Josh realises that too cause I hear him sort of laughing on the other side.

"Donna if you want to see me naked and you're using that 'oh but didn't you
hear me knock?' routine it's not going to work."

"Joshua if I wanted to see you naked I wouldn't have even bothered
pretending to knock I just would've walked straight in."

It's quiet for a few seconds and I know he's trying to come back with a
witty response.

"Sounds like you've given that some thought there Donnatella." Oh god there'
s the smugness again.  I swear to god I don't know how I've not throttled
him during this past year.

"Josh we need to talk."

The door opens a crack and he peers out at me.  "We do?  Cause you know one
minute you're yelling at me to shower and shave and now you want to talk.
Which one is it Donna?"

"Talk.  We need to talk" Wow I sounded very assertive there, considering I'm
broaching something that I hate to do.  But like it or not Josh has to come
to terms with his pain or we're not going to get through this campaign.

"'kay" Josh mumbles before coming out dressed solely in his shorts.  And my
mouth just went dry.

"So what are we talking about?" he says moving to sit on the bed while all I
can do is stare.

Oh god, my mind has gone blank and all I can think about is that I'm stood
in front of a half naked boss and I'm having thoughts I shouldn't be having.

"Donna?" okay he's starting to wonder what the heck is up with me.

Donna to brain - Think of something!

I move over and sit down next to him trying to give myself time to remember
what the heck I wanted to talk to him about but my brain isn't cooperating.

"Donna? What's wrong?" and now he's starting to worry and I just can't stand
to watch the pain.

Come on brain get into gear!

But all I can think of now is trying to take his pain away and it's with a
dawning sense of horror that I realise that there is unauthorised
communication between my brain and mouth.

"Would sex be so bad?"

Please tell me I didn't just say that, please!  But one look at his face
tells me I did.

THUMP! Oh dear god he just fell off the bed.

Brain - you are so fired!

Impervious!

"Donna!" It's worse than I thought, his voice is the highest it's ever been.
"Did you just say what I think you just said?"

I lean forward so that I can see where he is sat on the floor.  This is my
chance, I could deny everything.  But I realise that that just isn't going
to work.

I slide down so that I'm sat beside him on the floor and look into his eyes.
"Yep."

"Why, I mean why? I mean." he's gesturing between us like crazy and I'm now
having to try so hard not to laugh.  You should see his face.

So I go for honesty "Okay that wasn't what I wanted to talk about.  I wanted
to talk about you and what happened before."

"Oh.  Look Donna about that.  It's okay, honestly I'm fine.  It's not a
'thing'." Josh takes my hand running his thumb over the back trying to
reassure me.  It's probably the sweetest thing he's done in months.  "I just
had to let off a little steam."

"I know, but you haven't let off enough.  You're bottling up your emotions
more and more Josh and I'm afraid that this could get worse than before.
You need to let it out."

He's looking at me in that way.  I don't know if you know the look but it's
the one where he's almost smiling but not quite and he's really looking at
you.

"Donna." he starts and he sounds so sincere that I'm starting to think I was
worrying about nothing "How on Earth did you get from that to 'Would sex be
so bad'!?" he almost yells the last bit.

"Well.." Oh god my voice has now gone all whiny.  Damnit I really thought he
had forgotten about that.  I thought we were having a moment.

"I mean I'm all for worker participation but don't you think that that's
taking stress relief a little far?"

Oh he thought I offered him sex to help relieve stress. nope it was purely
an attraction thing.

One look at his face tells me that once again there has been unauthorised
communication between brain and mouth.

"I just said that out loud didn't I?"

He nods slowly and now he's got a look in his face that I can't quite place.
It's not one I've seen before.  But I think I like it.

His hand gently moves to my face and strokes my cheek and I swear if he
starts with the 'just friends' speech I will kill him.  But then those eyes
are getting closer to mine and his other hand goes to my waist and pulls me
in closer, holding me in a way that sends shivers down my spine.  And then
his lips are on mine in the gentlest, sweetest kiss of my life.

Needless to say it didn't stay that way for long.  Heck no!  Nearly three
years of sexual tension does not get released quietly.  Nor too loudly
really as there was a room full of people downstairs.

And it was nice - very nice but then it was over.  Oh there wasn't any
awkwardness, worryingly it was all very normal.  I've never seen Josh
looking so relaxed or happy even.


So why am I now in my room crying?

Because we never said those three little words that can lead to a meaningful
relationship and we can't afford to now.  Josh will want to be pig headed
and just continue along this path and to hell with the consequences.

But we can't.  I know that for those three little words to ever have a
chance we are going to have to put this on hold and get through an election
first.  He's already at bursting point and I'm not sure that this has helped
the situation.

Now I just have to tell Josh.

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