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Family
Author's Notes: Thanks again to Bekki the beta from heaven – she’s the lady with red (pen).
Okay I wasn’t going to post this yet but people have been yelling for fic. Also to those who were reading the mad Post Manchester series – I apologise. I did say I wasn’t going to write for a while what with trying to organise a convention, work and real life. But then Bradley went and hit me with his performance in Holy Night – and this sprang out.
Disclaimer: They aren’t mine – wah wah! Seriously – Aaron may be leaving but they are still all his.
Feedback: I need feedback – please! And be honest – Josh is hard to write.
Christmas may not be my holiday but I can't help but be affected by it. There are so many of my friends and colleagues walking around with that silly smile on their faces. And then there are the lights, decorations and music as well as gifts to be exchanged, a reason for alcohol and always some disaster two seconds away.
Maybe this happens to every group that occupies this big white building but we seem to have very shitty luck when it comes to this time of year. And while I understand that many people don't like this time of year and end up hiding from it, I'm afraid that I'm turning into one of them and I don't want that.
I don't want my stomach to turn at the sound of carols or the smell of eggnog. I want to be able to watch the decorations appear without this sense of loneliness appearing too; the ache in my heart that seems to overtake every emotion and destroys the happiness in every moment.
Friends are wonderful, but it's not the same no matter how close you are. Apart from my mom, I don't have anyone left - or so I thought.
It's amazing how some revelations can just sneak up on you. Some are these great big announcements with fanfares and stars in your eyes. Others quietly appear one morning.
Then there are the ones like this that sneak up on you late on Christmas Eve.
When the President first appeared in my office doorway I just knew that he was troubled, and that this idea wasn't the solution, but just a distraction that he needed. And I am always ready to serve but I was amazed at how eager I was for this. The thankfulness that coursed through me upon seeing him...
I had something to occupy me and when I saw Donna approaching I realised that I also had a reason to keep her near me. Which is why the first thing out of my mouth probably wasn't the smartest thing to say.
A little later...
"I wouldn't try to sell it that way!" Donna jokes, but I can see the tiredness in her eyes as she pushes the hair out of her face. The guilt I've been fighting since asking her to stay comes a-knocking again.
"I'll get you there first thing in the morning." I try to re-assure her but I can't quite meet her eyes. There's something there in her face and I get the impression she's about to blindside me.
"What did you mean when you said, "It's not what it looks like"?" She asks me direct to my face, her eyes never leaving me.
Klaxons sound in my head as I realise I'm on a collision alert with Donna on the good ship Honesty.
"Jack's already down there?" I ask, desperately trying to steer this conversation into safer waters, glancing up at her briefly before looking back down. I find that I am unable to meet her gaze and the papers in front of me suddenly become a lot more interesting.
"Yeah." She quickly answers without her eyes ever leaving my face.
"I'll call him and apologise." I'm turning the wheel like mad but I can tell it isn't working. Like it or not, I don't think I can avoid this.
"What did you mean?"
"I meant that I wasn't keeping you here on purpose." Sip of coffee, stay looking cool, yeah I'm desperate here but I don't even want to face reality myself.
"Why would I think you were doing that?" She has this small smile playing across her face and I know that her heart is racing too.
"I wasn't." Come on Donna, please don't do this. I know she's looking for something more but I can't face this here and now.
"Why would I think you were?" I can see her crumbling so I decide to try distraction again.
"I don't know. It was just something I said." I know she's going to let it go when she breaks eye contact and finally looks down. The panic leaves only to be replaced by guilt again. I would do anything to take that look of hurt from her eyes. "Look it doesn't have to be a disaster you know. CJ's staff are going to make little snowman and stick them in the seats in the press briefing room and take a picture. We can do that and then I'll get you drunk at the Hawk and Dove."
"Sounds nice." But I can see the disappointment in her eyes. As I pass her on the way out I have to step behind her and for a moment I want to turn and hold her just for a second. But now's not the right time so I push past and keep going.
"I have to go see the President"
Even later...
"I appreciate that's what you think. Do I get to think what I think?"
God Toby, I understand that you are angry with him, I understand that he let you down but you have to try to understand. He's only human, he loves you and he wants you in his life.
But I don't say that as my crowded thoughts keep running around, I want to yell at him, grab him.
I desperately reign in my emotions so that I can respond to him without exploding.
"No, you don't, because you don't know what I know."
"What?" I see the anger in his eyes, the hurt and the betrayal and I know that no amount of yelling will make him understand.
So I let out the truth that I'm bottling up and from the look on his face I know that he wasn't expecting it.
"That I would give anything to have a living father that was a felon or a sister with a past."
All day I've been bottling things up. Lets face it: Christmas and me going slightly nuts is becoming traditional, and despite all the times I've talked to Stanley, or Stanley, I've never learnt to deal with releasing those emotions in a safe way.
All I know is that I have to leave this room and get away for a moment. So it comes as no surprise when I find myself tramping down a corridor without remembering how I got there.
I may feel guilty about keeping Donna away from Navy Boy but right now I just need to see her. I know that I've come to rely on her, that she stabilises me when she can and supports me when she can't. I keep her close because she's the only one who can ever see through me, because she was the one who guessed about the PTSD before anyone else. And right now I'm coming to realise that I would be totally fucked up if it wasn't for her.
"Josh!" Leo's yell disrupts my train of thought and I turn sharply into his office. To be honest, I hear him going on about infant mortality and off the hook but I don't really care. Right now I just want to get out of here and go get drunk with Donna.
"I don't mind. People are working on it. I have Donna here with me, we've got a whole night planned around it." Yep! Snowmen then drinking. I sure know how to show a girl a good time.
"Yeah, I'm calling it off. And I hooked Donna up with a news helicopter that's landing about two miles from the inn that she's going to."
My heart stops. I swear it does. He can't mean what I think he means. She wouldn't go without saying goodbye. She wouldn't.
The rising bile in my throat almost makes it impossible for me to say anything let alone acknowledge what Leo just said.
"Donna left?!"
"Yeah."
I'm surprised when I feel the moisture in my eyes and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose it right here and now.
Christ how can this affect me just like that. When did she become so much to me?
"Oh forget the Nativity, we'll get 'em next time."
"Yes sir." I've got to get out of here. I can feel my voice cracking and I know that Leo's just beginning to realise something is wrong. I've got to get this under control now.
I walk away and turn into the guys' toilets, entering a stall and locking
it all in one movement. I gently lean against the door and try to find
the calm that I know is inside of me.
It takes me a long time.
It's late now and Leo's come and gone. I'm off the hook with the nativity - yeah we had to admit late defeat on that in the end.
The Whiffenpoof guys have gone and I'm sat in my office with no-one else around. It's quiet, dark and peaceful. I'm just beginning to understand what today was all about for me and why I'm finding this time of the year harder and harder.
So many of us are alone for this time of the year but everyone I know still has family. And yet in the past years mine has decreased. My mom is all I have left. No siblings, no aunts or uncles left. Just my mom and me.
And one day there's going to be just me.
I didn't even realise how late it was until the phone ringing breaks me out of my sombre reverie.
It's Christmas morning - 3 a.m. to be precise - and someone is ringing my office phone.
"Josh Lyman"
"Joshua, Josh, Josh," a familiar voice sighs down the phone to me.
"Donna?! What the..., where... why on earth... Donna! It's 3 in the morning!"
"Yes and you seem to be still in the office. I tried you at home, you know. There's a long rambling message on your machine that you are now going to have to delete." She sounds wide awake and very chirpy. I'm not sure if I want to know what's put her in such a good mood.
"A rambling message from you Donnatella? Well, that will be unusual."
"Joshua!"
"Donna!"
I sit here and realise that I have a smile on my face for the first time in a few hours
"Why are you calling me, Donna, and where's water boy?"
"JACK is right here and I'm calling you because... well because... you see I was..."
"Donna, sometime today please"
"I didn't like it that I wasn't able to say goodbye. One minute I'm on the phone trying to get the latest figures and the next Leo is shoving me out a door onto a helicopter." I hear her sigh, "I just needed to know that everything... that you were okay."
"Are you sure Jack is there?" 'Cause I can't help but think that if he wasn't confused about Donna and me before, then he's gonna be confused now. Only a few weeks ago he was asking me if he was getting in between something. Now I think he may be.
"Yes. Look in your bottom drawer." She's distracting me now and she's so much better at it than me.
I pull open the drawer and find a brightly wrapped parcel. Small parcel, I might add.
"Oh Donna, damn. Your present. I never gave it to you. It's in my car."
"You can give it to me later, just open yours up now, but after I'm off the phone."
"Okay." Now I am intrigued.
"And Josh, I know that you weren't doing too well today. I know that it really isn't any of my business but, I just wanted to let you know that I knew."
I smile and close my eyes as I imagine her here in the room with me.
"Donna..."
"Yes, Josh?"
"Sometimes, I need you, and I need you to know that I don't mean that in a work way."
"Really?" And now I hear the laughter in her voice. I replay the last sentence in my head.
"No. I mean... I didn't mean that the way that it sounded. Purely platonic, I assure you."
I think I hear her whisper "Pity" at her end of the phone but I can't be sure and while my mind starts racing about with possibilities, I know that I should let her go.
"Donna, you should get some rest. And tell Jack that I'm sorry we delayed you today."
"He knows and he understands. And Josh, you should go home."
"Yeah, okay." I say, knowing that I don't mean it.
"Josh, if you don't leave now I will phone Leo." It really is scary how well she knows me.
"Okay."
I hear her hesitate for a second and I know that she's not willing to end the conversation just yet.
"Josh?"
"Yes."
"Sometimes... I need you too."
I'm sat here with the phone in my hand and I'm pretty sure I've got a goofy grin on my face.
"Take care, Donnatella"
"You too, Joshua"
The line goes dead and I quietly replace the phone in its cradle.
I start to get ready to leave when I remember the present on my desk. I hesitate only a second before tearing the wrapping off.
It's a book.
Okay this is revenge for my Alpine Skiing book.
It's old but not antique and it's definitely been read several times. There's no title but as I open it I realise that it is full of handwritten words.
The first page is written by someone I've never heard of but as I quickly flip through I realise that this book has been passed down and around Donna's family. The notes in the front are specific.
They go along the line of once you receive the book you are to enter into it anything you want. Thoughts, recipes, ideas or tips - whatever you want to pass on. Then when the time is right you are to pass it onto someone else in your family.
Family.
I skip to the last entry in the book and recognise Donna's scrawl immediately. In the page before is a recipe for some chocolate concoction that she was trying out, but it's the last entry that really grips me.
"I know it's time to pass this book on, just like everyone before me. When I was first given this book 11 years ago I couldn't imagine parting with it. It is so full of life and memories from my family that to give that away seemed impossible. But now I want to pass it on to someone who has become as big a part of my life as anyone ever has and I know the time is right to let this go. Welcome to the family, Josh."
Welcome to the family? Big part of her life? I'm not sure I know what she meant by that.
I mean is this the "I think of you as my brother" speech or the "I want to get into your pants" speech. Maybe it's the "You're my bestest friend" speech.
God I hope it's not the brother one!
I pick up my coat and the book and I head out of the office with a smile plastered on my face. I think I could almost skip... almost.
I know that things aren't great right now and I've had an unusual amount
of tragedy.
During my life I've been shot, nearly died and fallen apart. I've lost
a father and I've lost a sister.
But five years ago I gained a Donna.
I'm not sure what she is to me yet, or what I am to her.
But this revelation has just come up and hit me over the head with a book.
She's family.
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